Blonde 'IBS & All' Blog...

BIG update coming later - but for now, new hair pics!

2006-10-06T22:55:00.000+01:00

As you can see - pale blonde has become warm browny dark blondy sort of colour!!

New start = new hair.

New colour, new cut (about 5" off at least, much more at the layers), new job, new wardrobe, new car.

So you see, lots to update, so watch this space!

Hugs to all, Blondie xx

PS - please excuse pic quality - taken from my webcam, after I'd just woken up from an hours nap on the sofa - wiping off my makeup and squashing my hair!!

5.30am, still wide awake, going nuts

2006-09-09T05:39:00.000+01:00

Got a thumper of a headache, but every time I lay down & try to sleep I just seem to go this weird, disorientating version of 'hyper', and have to sit up. If I describe it as "seasickess on steroids" it probably comes somewhere close.

No wonder I'm so bleeding exhausted all the time. This isn't normal right?! And of course no matter what time I finally fall asleep I'll be wide awake at 9/9.30, so another night of hardly any sleep.

This. Is. So. Stupid.

:(

Finally spoke to the job guy

2006-09-07T12:02:00.000+01:00

And whilst I won't count my chickens yet, was all good:

- Still "very much interested" and wants to move it on

- Those in the company HQ in Germany are also interested - whilst the final decision is his, and based on who he's comfortable with, they do obviously have an interest

- The consultant woman came in to see him, and she was very impressed by both my CV and what he said about me from our interview, so doesn't think I need to meet with her. Very cool! :)

- Still needs to iron out a few final details with German HQ, mainly about the package on offer, and wants to see me again to discuss in more detail - because tradeshow season in our industry has just started and he's so under-staffed the first free appt he has is 26th Sept, so we've pencilled in for that date, but he says if any time frees up in the meantime he'll call and try to bring it forward.

So... still in limbo for another 3 weeks, but do feel slightly better :)

General update

2006-09-03T02:11:00.000+01:00

Not posted much the last few days as not much to report. I've had no great insights, nothing has been particularly bad or particularly good or particularly interesting, and I've not wanted to scream too many times...

Most importantly, my nan has had her major op and come through not only relatively unscathed, but also seems much the better for it already - which has amazed everyone, doctors included! She's had all her pain relief drips & epidurals out now (she had the op Wednesday morning), and is now on a mix of Codeine and Paracetemols. She had her catheta out yesterday, and has started walking a few steps with the aid of 2 nurses. She's a bit dippy because of the meds, but at least she knows it and can laugh at herself too! :)

Jamie's new car arrives on Monday - perfect timing since today, when he was heading back down from helping his sister move into her new house in Scarborough, his stupid car switched into the ridiculous 'limp-home' mode again - just because it got wet! Ridiculous...

My car was in the production plan to be built Friday, so we'll call in a few days to check it was. Hope so, as doing my head in not having a car! (dad has my old one til we have to hand it in as part exchange for the new one, as since he was made redundant he had to give his car back, and he uses it more than I would if I had it, since I'm so scared of the bloody thing)

Installed some new anti-virus software, etc, which has COMPLETELY screwed up my pc - so my advice, along with that of hundreds of others on the internet (wish I'd looked first) is STAY AWAY FROM NORTON INTERNET SECURITY & SYSTEMWORKS, particularly the latter!!

Norton products tend to be ok for the first year, but if you upgrade or buy a new one, it causes all sorts of problems, and that's what I've done. I won't bore you with the technicalities of what's gone wrong, but very bad. And very, very, ve-r-r-r-r-r-y-y-y-y-y-y s-l-l-l-o-o-o-o-w-w-w...

Have a rare weekend day with Jamie tomorrow as he's not out shooting his airguns, which will be lovely. Except he's getting a cold bless him, so he might not feel so great. :(

That's all folks!

I might be weaker now, but I'm stronger too

2006-08-29T01:09:00.000+01:00

Me and Jamie were having a trip down memory lane last night in bed, or rather I was, and he was listening.

I was remembering back to a time where I attacked everything head on - where nothing ever scared me, I was hardly ever ill, and when I was I just ignored it where possible, and just 'got better as fast as possible' where not. I went through some pretty heavy stuff, both emotionally & physically, and I never let it alter my stride.

It all sounds nuts looking back, and it's not something I particularly want to share online [one to save for the novel maybe ;)], but, for example, 1 day after a major medical incidence I was boarding a plane to Germany at 8am heading for an intense & draining week of work at our European HQ, just ignoring the pain I was in and what I'd just been through. Looking back I'm amazed at how strong I was - I couldn't imagine doing it now.

But also, when talking it through last night, I realised I was also terribly weak at that time - I thought what I was doing was normal, and that what my boyfriend was putting me through, how he was treating me & how he was reacting to the situation was all ok, when in reality it was shocking. It makes Jamie so angry, and me so confused - I felt strong because I just got on with it, but I was weak - whilst it wasn't that I knew it was all wrong & didn't do anything to stop it, it was because I didn't even see how wrong it was.

Now, today, is different. I wouldn't have the strength to deal with things so stoically as I used to, yet I wouldn't be so weak as to think that I had to.

Maybe some good has come of all the crap after all... ??

He hasn't called yet...

2006-08-26T18:39:00.000+01:00

Had a depressed couple of days because of it. Stomach, of course, being obligingly rubbish - nasty d and horrible pain for the last 2 days. Oh, and no sleep obviously...

He promised he'd call by the close of play Friday, and he hasn't. I feel like a teenager waiting by the phone after a great first date that ends with "I'll call you". And of course Monday is a bank holiday, and I also think he said he was on holiday the rest week.

Here was me believing, just for a minute, that something might just go right, and be 'easy'.

Will I ever learn??

The interview went well

2006-08-24T14:29:00.000+01:00

I don't want to jinx it with sharing the details too much, so all I'll say is:

1) I got there. Ok it was 15/20 minutes late (but I let him know, and why), but got there in one piece.

2) The guy I would be working for is great (the Managing Director), the existing team is great, and the company has a great culture, and there'd be great potential to make a name for myself and to grow with the business.

3) The role would be ideal, as would the MD's stance on training, etc, and I'd both be able to utilise existing skills & relationships as well as gain lots of new ones.

4) He's very interested, described a good package, and SEEMED very enthusiastic to move forward on it. He's having a personal development consultant in to identify his strengths and weaknesses, and asked me to come in to meet her too - thought I'd be suspicious but I surprised him as it sounds both interesting & even fun to me, so he said I'd hear from him by the end of the week as to when that would be.

So keep those fingers crossed people! :)

Night before the interview...

2006-08-23T00:04:00.000+01:00

...and I'm bobbing my pants. :(

Scared about my tum, scared about the interview itself, and scared about driving up there - as even though I'm taking J's car heavy rain is forecast & the news has been full of driving warnings for just the time I'll be on the road.

Hurrumph.

Anyway, I have my outfit, my posh 'interview bag' is packed, my portfolio's up to date and organised, and I'm reading through my CV now, trying to remember all the things I've done and the person I was then.

Keep your fingers crossed all, I really need it

Bought a NEW car, and made it out shopping for interview outfit!!!

2006-08-20T13:35:00.000+01:00

So, gonna be really lazy here and just copy an email I just sent to a friend....

"Yay – both made it to the car place AND up to the mall yesterday!!

So…

I’M GETTING A NEW CAR!!! SO excited, never had a brand new one before. We can only afford it because my dad has given me my old car, which is the new place will buy off us for £3,500, and offered to pay off the outstanding finance on it. My new one is SO cool, and we got an AMAZING deal – putting a salesman and a marketer together as a bad cop / good cop team seemed to work bloody well!! Right, details:

- Ford Fiesta Freedom http://www.ford.co.uk/ie/fiesta/-/fie_0508_intro/fie_0508_body_freedom/-/-/225876/
- 1.4 petrol engine, 5 door version. We took one for a test drive and it’s fantastic – so smooth and quiet, and with a slightly raised driving position, which I love
- It’s so cool! It has voice controlled audio, as well as remotes for the audio on the steering wheel, built in Bluetooth for your phone, ‘safe-home’ headlights, they stay on for long enough after you’ve turned the engine off to light you back into your house, and loads of other little cool touches – yay!! It doesn’t have leather seats, but I’m glad cause my current one does, and in summer they do my head in (my old car was a Ford Ka Luxury)
- Should’ve been £9,950, and is a much in-demand, new limited edition version of the Fiesta, yet we bargained them down to £9.500, AND got them to offer £3,500 for my old car – which is actually worth £3000
- AND we also got FREE metallic paint (panther black, hopefully), FREE a/c and heated front windscreen, plus we negotiated FREE privacy tinted dark glass, FREE additional safety pack with extra air bags, etc, FREE rear parking sensors (cause I hate reverse parking!) and half price 16” alloys and wheels, as the 15” ones looked a bit lost in the wheel arches. (nearly £2000 worth of free kit, plus £500 of the price of the car, and an extra £500 over the value of my old one!!)
- Cause it’s selling so well we won’t get it til last week in September / first week in October, but if all goes well and we get what we want I can live with that! – we find out Monday that there’s definitely a black one far enough back on the production line to be modified to add all our little extras. Fingers crossed! (Though knowing our luck I don’t hold out much hope…)
- We got a great finance deal, just 5.9% APR on the credit, with the option to upgrade the car in just 30 months for just £2000.

And…

I NEARLY, JUST ABOUT, ALMOST MANAGED TO BUY A WHOLE NEW OUTFIT FOR MY INTERVIEW!!
We struggled though – we spent far longer at the car place than intended, so only got to the mall at 5.40pm – it shuts at 7pm. And I can only buy trousers from 2 stores (the ones that do extra long length) and tops from 5, as I have a long body and arms too, and tops don’t’ always fit me. We ended up just buying everything that was a possibility, so we could eventually come up with an outfit, so I have some extras that I’ll need to take back.

Final outfit – light grey, straight leg, wide leg smart trousers, a black, ribbed, lightweight wool vest top that fits really nicely, and a black ribbed shirt – that I don’t feel that comfortable in, as it’s a bit too fitted, but I’m going to wear it open over the vest, and with the cuffs folded up to my elbow to make the whole thing look a bit more casual and less ‘typical interview outfit’, I didn’t want to go down the black suit and white shirt route either.

We ran out of time to get shoes, and my only existing ones are low-heel black pointed toe shoes – which were really lovely, but are a bit scuffed now, and would necessitate having the trousers taken up a bit as they’re made to wear with high heels, so about to hit the internet and see if Dorothy Perkins, the main ones who do next day delivery, have any nice high heel black shoes.
I have a lovely red leather Jasper Conran bag that I’ll use, to brighten up the outfit, which is dead smart as I save it for occasions just like this, and a red & silver bead bracelet on one hand and a delicate silver bracelet on the other, and a really long silver necklace with like a chunky dog-tag-shape silver nugget on the end. And probably just some tiny silver studs.

Can’t decide how to have hair – up or down, so waiting for inspiration on that one! Plus have a friend of Jamie’s mums, who’s a mobile hair dresser, coming to cut my fringe, split-ends and do some layers, as I don’t have time to make it to a hairdressers tum-wise. "

Despite having hardly any sleep for the past few days, I'm feeling pretty cool & positive today!!

Possible, maybe, potentially, there's a job in the offing...

2006-08-17T01:20:00.000+01:00

Think I've mentioned this before, but here's the full story in brief:

- Jamie works for a handtool wholesaler, the biggest in the UK, and I used to work for a hand tool manufacturer (the 2nd biggest in the UK behind Stanley). The industry is my 'true love', if you like - after being forced to leave after several years I moved to the electrical retailing sector, which I never really enjoyed or was motivated by.

- Last week J met with the Managing Director of another hand tool manufacturer, whose name shall remain anonymous for the moment - suffice to say they are well respected, though currently very small in the UK, being a German company, but they are coming into a time of transition - they aim to double their turnover next year, consolidate their activities in the UK, and really start doing some exciting things. This MD explained he had spent the last year 'firefighting' - solving the problems left by the previous management, and only now is he able to plan for the future. He has every part of his team in place, EXCEPT, a 'PA' to work for him.

- J asked him exactly what he was looking for in this role, as I had considered working as a PA-type-person some time ago, when I was looking for part-time, lower stress, employment. He didn't go into details, but basically spoke of a savvy assistant to help him organise his time, help him out with stuff, but also with a marketing bent on the role. He would love for this person to have industry experience, and a conversational level of German would be great.

- So, meeting all those criteria (just about - my German is very rusty), he told him about myself. He explained all about my IBS, and having not worked for well over a year, all about my background in the industry, in Marketing, and working as a sort-of PA at the beginning of my career (I was actually a Marketing Assistant, but functioned also as a PA for the Marketing Director, doing typing, correspondance, diary management, travel planning, event organising, etc), and so on. He said I couldn't guarantee to be there at 9am every morning, would prefer to work some of the time at home, and so on.

- Strangely, he was still very interested after this!! He said "even if she doesn't know if she's ready, if she's only 25% interested, I want to meet her". Gotta be good right? They're based in a small town a 35 min trip from home (passing services nearly straight away and then about half way...), and just 20 in the other direction from my parents - kind of between the 2. Still quite a distance, but not bad...

- So, I asked for his email address, updated my CV, and sent a copy to him.

- He then called me yesterday - and we chatted for probably half an hour. Seems a great guy, and just as importantly the business seems to be hitting a VERY exciting time. Here's what we chatted about:

ME - we covered the 'I haven't worked for so long because I'm ill' area a bit, which is good to get it sort of out of the way. We covered my assistant-type background, shared a bit of industry knowledge, how I'm doing now, what I've been spending my time on while I've been unable to work, etc.

THE BUSINESS - coming into an exciting transitional period. Aims to double it's turnover next year. Currently only 7 people working at the office in the UK, with 5 salesmen on the road.

THE JOB - Last piece in the puzzle is the PA - to 'clear the monkeys' from the MD's desk, help organise him, but also have some Marketing input, and *potentially* to do some project work that would "enable [me] to make my mark"... We shared a mutual distaste for the huge, corporate American-owned organisations that are taking over the market, and for the way in which they operate - graduates only, lots of internal politics, focus on just numbers whilst ignoring the people, etc. Says this is very different - you can't get overshadowed, there's lots of room for [me] to take the initiative, for instance see a problem & solve it. Various issues need 'sorting' - including the lack of a UK website. Whilst I'm not currently skilled enough to design & produce a company website at the level, I do possess knowledge of how it works, and would possibly be able to work with a design agency, etc, have some input, and manage it once it's complete. Who knows!
----------

Basically it all sounds exciting - and spot on for my skills. He said in his intial meeting with J, which was about something unrelated, that he would have no problem with my requirements, but that of course remains to be seen - however, if it is indeed true then this could potentially be a gentle way back into the industry I love, a role in which I could blossom and grow again, and hopefully a way to help my moving away from my life being dominated by my IBS...

Well, I'm getting ahead of myself.

He's asked me to come see him in the office next Wed, 10.30am.

Watch this space for a post tomorrow about my feelings, thoughts & fears about this, and the whole thing... Would appreciate anyone's views so far!!

Hmmm, what are the odds?

2006-08-14T01:24:00.000+01:00

It's 1.19am, it's the night before a trip to another hypno appointment and not only am I still widely awake, but my tum is decidedly tetchy, blatantly ignoring the wonderful IBS-safe diet I've consumed for the past 3 days...

Seriously, how can any right-thinking stomach possibly protest so much after being fed a nurturing, calming diet of potatoes, white bread, potato cakes, bagels and some plain chicken?

Not that I have D, (that would be far too easy - would help 'empty me out', hence making tomorrow somewhat less stressful), just rumblings, grumblings, heartburn & dread. It keeps me up, ensures I have little sleep when I do dare get in bed, which in turn guarantees an argumentative tum tomorrow.

The wonders of IBS never cease; don't you just love the way it can twist & turn in it's approach to symptoms, carefully picking those which might cause you the greatest upset & inconvenience at any one time or on any given day? Oh, in fact I hear it talking now - I think it's saying "Sleep? Pah! Sleep is wasted time, time that I can't spend torturing your delicate insides, poking & prodding you so hard you bite your knuckles in an attempt to distract your attention from the real pain inside..."

Oh, and I'm hungry.

Sooooo... BIG update! :)

2006-08-10T15:33:00.000+01:00

Well, for once in my currently sedentary & eventless life I actually have stuff to report!! I guess I should take it one thing at a time:-

1) MY BIRTHDAY

First of all, woohoo! - I'm 24!! :) 24 seems like a 'nothing' age - to me 25 will feel like a big milestone.... Anyway, back to the point - thanks for everyone's emails, texts & comments wishing me luck and asking how it went, I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. It actually makes a difference when I start feeling like crap, I focus on all those positive thoughts & good wishes, and it helps me give that extra 10%.

We made it to the hotel easily, including the short walk from the car park to the hotel - although I had platform wedges on which made somewhat hard work of the cobbled streets!! The hotel was set in a lovely street, which used to be made up of lace factories & warehouses, where all the buildings have been renovated for a variety of uses, including 3 of them to make the hotel. The woman on reception who checked us in was lovely - she laughed that we probably didn't want a wake-up call, would prefer breakfast in bed, and even offered a later check-out time without us asking! Very impressed.

Then we went up to our 'superior' room - awesome! Pics to follow, but basically it was absolutely gorgeous - massive room, with a separate kind-of dressing area, floor to ceiling windows in both the bedroom and huge bathroom. A king size bed, beautiful old fireplace, very funky interior styling, including what were obviously old doorways which had been filled and transformed into recessed bookcases and cupboards, etc. Bathroom was just 'wow' - obviously very light with the floor to ceiling windows, 2 glass bowl sinks, a massive double-ended claw-footed bath, all very white & minimalist, but traditional at the same time, toilet & bidet. Was a bit strange having a wee next to full length windows until we noticed the shutters actually worked!!

We chilled in the room for a couple of hours, and I got ready to go out. We then met Jamie's sister Claire & her friend Miranda at a bar just down the road at around 7pm. It was lovely warm weather, so we sat at the tables outside the bar - which itself was an old converted church, which inside was on 2 floors, and had all the existing stained glass windows, etc. We were there for a good few hours, Claire & Miranda leaving maybe an hour or so before we did - we only left because my tum finally flipped out, which wasn't surprising since I'd barely eaten all day, had taken lots of Immodium and had been drinking quite a bit of coke at the bar. No alcohol because I knew it'd make me feel like crap the next day!

We chilled and watched a movie for the rest of the night, and had a lovely lie-in the next day, woken only by the yummy continental breakfast delivered right to our bed... :) (Actually, despite being particularly comfortable and very happy I barely slept a wink all night, but I was content - not agitated like I usually get when I can't sleep)

Then we got ready, headed home - where I tried to have a doze, unsuccessfully. Anyway, as I'd had to take Immodium to get home we decided to go on straight up to my parents, as it is my dad's birthday the day after mine.

I got a fair bit of money for my birthday, as I didn't really have any ideas of what to ask for from anyone, and some gorgeous jewellery from Jamie which went with the outfit I wore out to the bar. Ooh, and he also gave me £100 to spend in either SpaceNK or at the Aveda Urban Therapy hair & beauty place in Nottingham - yay!! :) :)

2) I ACTUALLY WENT OUT, ON A WHIM!

Ok so I was already getting ready to travel back down from my parents yesterday (Wednesday), and as such hadn't eaten a great deal, but while I was in the shower I suddenly decided I was going to nip to Meadowhall first (the local, very large, shopping centre, that I used to practically live in pre-IBS and pre-having no money). So I got ready real quick, knocked back just 4 Immodium and left - no tummy problems whatsoever!! And I got there, there was a major sale in my favourite store, and I spent most of my birthday money, but got a LOT of stuff for my dosh - was very happy.

Then back to my parents to swap cars with Jamie (I'm still scared to take mine on the motorway), had a blast driving down back to ours, actually enjoyed driving again, then we were bad & had Pizza Hut for tea - and I was fine, and still am today! Unfortunately I barely slept again, for various reasons, so I'm shattered and a bit volatile today, but all good. Another hypno session on Monday, so hopefully the good stuff will just keep coming...

3) I HAVE A PROSPECT, OR AT LEAST A 'SNIFF' OF A JOB...

So I'm not well enough to work right now - or so we thought. Jamie was meeting a guy who's an Managing Director for a local manufacturer, in the industry in which I worked for many years, and he's looking for a PA. He said he was looking for one with some Marketing experience, an understanding of the market and a grasp of conversational German - result!

Jamie told him all about me, including my IBS (said I wouldn't be able to guarantee being there at 9 every morning, but would always make time up, would need to work from home quite a bit, etc), my work history, my education history, including my typing skills, etc, and he's really interested! He sounds really nice - he says even if I'm only 25% interested in the job, or in talking about it, he'd really like to meet me.

So, it'll probably all come to nothing, but all sounding good so far right? If I could get a role like that, work part time, including some time working from home, it'd help me make some money of my own, get some of my confidence back, and maybe even help me control my symptoms better - and to continue to work in the industry which I love, gaining more experience, and working for a really nice guy, who believes in bringing on "young & enthusiastic talent"!

Jamie's gonna call him today and tell him I'm potentially interested, and would love to meet him. Hopefully he'll also get his email, and I'll forward him my CV/resume first. So everyone, it's cross fingers time again!!

RIGHT, that's most of it I think! Watch this space for pics of our hotel room, and the wonderful view from inside it, and an update on the job situation, as well as some info on a little project I'm thinking about starting...

Change to blog appearance & update on birthday coming tomorrow

2006-08-09T00:22:00.000+01:00

Right-o, first off you'll have noticed the old blog's changed it's look a little - mainly this is just a move away from the somewhat depressing, if stylish, black to a soothing, easy on the eye blue. Whilst this in itself doesn't cause a problem, in the process of changing the codes I have lost all my links, etc, and it'll take a couple of days to get them up and running again. So please, bear with me! :)

ALSO

The eagerly awaited (?!) lowdown on how the big birthday night out went will appear tomorrow, just had a combination of site problems, having an abornally large amount of non-computer stuff to do and having a couple of major IBS attacks.

Most importantly, I am here, I am ok and it did go well (by my standards anyway). Details & photos to follow tomorrow...

Trying so hard to be positive for my birthday night away...

2006-08-05T23:13:00.000+01:00

...but feel like I'm, to put it bluntly, "pissing in the wind".

It's Saturday night, not far off midnight Saturday, and despite doing everything right all week my IBS has struck with a full-force attack, leaving me on the toilet for the past 3 hours with explosive D, absolutely excruciating abdominal pain and decidedly smelly gas.

And tomorrow we leave for a relatively local hotel, probably only 15 minutes away by car, to stay overnight for my 24th birthday, which is Monday. We intend to get there in the aftenoon, enjoy the "superior" hotel room that Jamie is treating us too at a very funky hotel(http://www.lacemarkethotel.co.uk), then go out to a couple of bars in the evening/night.

Firstly, this will be my first night out in what's probably considerably more than a year. For a once party girl this is unthinkable, and I am completely and utterly excited. Unfortunately I'm also absolutely terrified - that my stomach will ruin the day and/or the night, for me/Jamie/both of us.
We've made 'IBS-safe' plans - including taking a special picnic to have in the room for tea before we go out, as restaurant food, no matter how 'safe', always sets me off.

I'm really trying the old 'think positive' thing, but it's really hard when you feel this crap and this scared, and then you feel like a failure because you're 'too weak' or 'not good enough' to approach it positively. Hurrumph.

Keep everything crossed people, I SO want this night out...

Is it depression that turns you into a mush head?

2006-08-04T02:05:00.000+01:00

Things I used to be good at:

- Spelling. I am now spelling things wrong that I didn't even get wrong when I was 3. I was always way ahead in anything English, particularly spelling, so why do I keep writing a load of utter bollocks?!! I read back what I've just typed and it's like some strange alien language, and even when I go threw and correct it I leave stupid mistakes in there, that I just don't see.
- Accessorising. Trying to plan an outfit for my birthday night out, and even though I've treated myself to a (£35!) new dress, I can't find stuff to go with it out of my whole collection. Even ended up taking pics and trying everything out on the computer! My whole grasp of what'll look great is fading alarmingly fast, I used to be everyone's first step for outfit planning, but now I'm asking them...
- Er, anything requiring any level of energy, intelligence or enthusiasm. Need I say more?

Yeauch, I really oughtta go check out what all the symptoms of depression actually are, just nervous I'll have all of them! Seeing my (wonderful) new GP next Friday to discuss my whole thing - IBS, depression, anxiety & related treatment plans, so fingers crossed she'll help sort me out.

I also seem to have lost my power of logic - I know the more shit I eat now the less my chances are of having a good evening Sunday, yet here I am eating goddamn Maltesers. Aaarrrggghhhh!!!!

Bread, potatoes, bagels and rich tea biscuits it is until Sunday from now on. Joy...

Feeling really guilty

2006-08-02T21:14:00.000+01:00

J's away tonight, so not only am I bored, lonely and a bit fidgety, but I get even more time to spend bloody thinking. And tonight's chosen topics?

1) How much I really, really, really want to order Pizza Hut, but know I shouldn't, and

2) How guilty I feel, because I haven't emailed/phoned some of my favouritest people and friends for weeks, because I've been feeling so down.

The first is relatively easy to solve - if I can make it to 10pm without ordering it's good, cause they stop taking orders then and I'll be forced to get my lazy ass in the kitchen and make some tea myself. Well, easyish anyway - hands are shaking, mouth's watering, and feel a bit dizzy at the thought of those cheesy fingers...... Mmmmmmmm........!!!!!!!! HELP!!

The second is more frustrating - I have so much I want to share with these people, and want to catch up on what they're up to SO much, but I have this weird 'thing' about doing it?! I can't describe it, it's like I'm just pooped all the time, and dont' have the energy to call or email anyone. And I miss them so much! Some people I used to see a lot, a couple I just know through email, and it's so sad.

Not gonna write anymore 'cause I don't really have anything by way of an explanation. Just making me feel bad :(

Calling all IBS Network members

2006-08-01T12:35:00.000+01:00

Just a quick note to remind those that know and tell those that don't, the IBS Network have started up a new forum on their website (www.ibsnetwork.org.uk), which is for all Network members.

Link to the forums: http://ibsnetwork.org.uk/forums3/forums/

Whilst it doesn't have loads of visitors/posters yet, that will only change if we all keep checking back and posting! :)

Well, who'd have thunked it?

2006-07-31T17:25:00.000+01:00

Just realised I haven't been bringing readers up to date with my current, um, 'poop situation'...

Through exceptional circumstances, involving my trip to Michael's hypnotherapy, a doctors appointment, having to get to my parents because of a family crisis and needing to get back, I have taken enough Immdoium to allow me to leave the house 4 times in a week - normally 2 is my ABSOLUTE limit, and it has never stopped me having a bowel movement for more than one day.

So many times in the past 2 years I have hoped, no - prayed and begged, that I would go more than a day without a bowel movement, and more than 2 without diarrhoea. Well, be careful what you wish for...

This period's poop diary:
Sunday 23rd July: small poop
Monday 24th July: 9 Immodium for hypno trip - no poop
Tuesdsay: 4 Immodium to get to doctors appointment - no poop
Wednesday: no poop
Thursday: no poop
Friday: 1 medium poop, had to get back home - took 5 Immodium to do so
Saturday: no poop
Sunday: no poop

Crazy isn't it? For this period I've gone from having constant diarrhoea, at best a semi-formed BM every few days, to only going once in a 7 day period!!!

As I said, be careful what you wished for - after performing the poo dance to the poo gods for several hours this morning they finally blessed me with their approval and I was able to 'go'. Unfortunately felt like the equivalent of passing an articulated truck, sideways, and was accompanied with stomach cramps and revolting gas.

Have still only been once, but imagine I will be going lots later, as my stomach always seems to prefer to torture me with constant BMs when I'm desperate to sleep...

What IBS is. Or rather, what IBS isn't.

2006-07-30T01:34:00.000+01:00

I saw a program on tv earlier today that got me SO mad. It was one of those generic same-old same-old ones about losing weight, getting healthy, etc etc, but it was either from Australia or NZ.

It was about a woman they described as "...dumpy & depressed", a woman who weighed a lot, I mean she was just about clinically obese (don't have an issue with that, you'll see my point in a minute), and had experienced a rough couple of years, bless her.

Basically she had 3 problems - her weight, her lethargy, and her 'IBS'. And by 'IBS' the wonderful program makers clarified - she had diarrhoea, constipation, stomach pains, wind, etc. So I start feelin even more sympathy for this poor girl, and paid more attention.

But it turns out her typical daily diet goes like this: 2 Pop Tarts, 4 slices of toast and a full cooked breakfast in the morning, 2 energy drinks before lunch, then for dinner she has the full works from McDonalds (we're talking 2 big macs, supersize fries & coke, nuggets, dessert, etc) then eats at least one curry straight after, sometiems two! Then she has at least 2 more energy drinks during the afternoon, 3 or 4 kingsize chocolate bars, 5 or 6 packets of crips and at least 4 cans of coke - all before she even leaves work. Then she eats not only tea - basically a fat-soaked, calorie-ridden 3 course meal - but follows it with dessert, more chocolate, beer, sausage rolls, pork pies, more cola - the lot.

THERE ISN'T ANYONE ALIVE WHO COULD EAT THIS DIET EVERY DAY FOR 2yrs AND NOT HAVE DIARRHOEA & STOMACH PROBLEMS!!

It makes me so mad, as it is things like this giving IBS a bad name - I don't know if either she'd 'self-diagnosed', or some crackpot doctor/program 'expert' had diagnosed it for her, but it is these people who are fuelling the crap that IBS is nothing serious, something that's your own fault, something that is easily, and logically, controlled - "just stop eating nothing but crap & you'll be fine"...

No wonder we're rarely taken seriously, when we have misinformation like this there. I had no problem with this woman's diet or her size - if that's what she wanted then fine, but I have a HUGE issue with us all being labelled with the same 'IBS' brush.

It's like those people who use the sunbed three times a week for 40 years, then they have wrinkles or even skin cancer "...because it runs in my family"...

Thoughts anyone?

How much gets ruined when you have IBS?

2006-07-29T02:02:00.000+01:00

I was pondering this today, when getting frustated that I must mentally log each morsel of food that passes my lips, each tablet I swallow and each time I poop. I'm so TIRED of spending every waking minute thinking about my goddamn stomach/bowels!!

We had my boyfriend's sister and her best mate here tonight. They're both recently single after long-term relationship breakups, and are currently enjoying something of a resurgence of their late teens - partying every weekend, lots of concerts, pulling every weekend - and more to the point, whilst they're still recovering from horrible breakups with horrible men, they're enjoying it.
Every minute they're thinking about something different - what to wear out in town tonight, concerts to plan for next month, which guy they're gonna call up for company later, what's happening at work, what mates they're seeing, where they're eating and what they're eating.

Then there's me. I'm sat there, trying to enjoy myself, and in a way I am - I socialise so little nowadays it always feels 'nice', and they're both really nice and funny and great, but I just can't help feeling left out. I'm tired, in fact my eyes are stinging and watering because I'm so tired, and it's taken all I've got just to pretend I'm cool and happy and not exhausted and in pain.

In actual fact I was thinking 'God I really need to fart, how can I get this out quiet?' or 'I can't believe how much my stomach hurts - c'mon, just grin and bear it', and 'How much should I eat if I want to get to this party tomorrow? What meds should I take and when? I really hope I can poo tonight, and get things moving again, or I'm stuck here all weekend after all...'.

It just gets really tiring. There's no variety in my life.

And yes I know hundreds of thousands of people with IBS hold down jobs and social lives, but right now mine is so bad that I can't. And even all my best efforts rarely give me more than one day a week where I feel even half symptom-less. Each and every day I'm doing battle with my stomach and my bowels and my brain.

I just want all my body parts to be singing off the same hymn sheet, to be fighting on the same side. And for my brain to get a day off from all this constant thinking and recording and planning and worrying and hoping, just one single day.

Is that too much to ask?

Two packs of Maltesers and two cans of coke in a day...

2006-07-21T14:12:00.000+01:00

...just aren't good for IBS.

Go figure.

And of COURSE the third bad thing did hit

2006-07-21T02:57:00.000+01:00

My dad was made redundant this afternoon.

From the firm where he has spent the majority of his highly successful 20 year career. Despite him hitting all his budgets in a very difficult period. And in reality, just because he isn't his relatively new boss's type of person. And doesn't have a degree - which if you ask me is worth zip after 20 years experience.

From the firm who made me 'redundant' over a couple of years ago, despite being the only member of the marketing team hitting budget, and had to pay me off to keep my silence, since the only reason they had to let me go was that I'd had an affair with a European Vice President (or rather he'd had an affair with me - I was single) and we'd split up.

From the firm full of IDIOTS who are convinced if you don't have a degree you aren't worth employing.

I'M FUMING.

Why does everybody you tell about your IBS presume you're stupid?

2006-07-19T01:09:00.000+01:00

There are a variety of things when you tell someone, known or new, that you suffer from IBS. Ranging from "Yeah, I have that sometimes, particularly after a night out drinking" (hmmm, nope, that'll be an upset stomach, dumbass), right the way to "That's it? I thought there was something serious wrong! Why don't you just take an Immodium / drink some water / change your diet / see your doctor?".

Here is the point where I have to warn you there is a high likelihood of the remainder of this post being littered with swear words...

And here is also where I refer back to my original question - why do people you tell about your IBS presume you're stupid? Seriously, think about it - if you get the ridiculous 'I get that sometimes' response, the person giving it is clearly presuming that what is wrong with you is very minor, happens rarely, and is not only completely under your control, but is actually your own fault - entirely dependent upon your own actions. I want to scream - "No, you don't! If what you 'have' is really the same, really that insignificant, do you really think I would let it run/rule/ruin my life?!!"

They clearly don't have a very high opinion of our intelligence if they believe that something so 'minor' could affect our lives in such a significant way, or even (as in my case) change your whole personality. So... "No, I'm not stupid, and neither are the tens of thousands of people in the same boat as me - yes, we can sometimes have some small effect on our symptoms if we utilise a disciplined regime of diet, medication & lifestyle choices, but think about it - would I be stuck at home, not working, never going out, taking 10 Immodium before I'll even think about leaving the house, and when I do being a nervous wreck, clutching my stomach in pain, if I could so easily control this?!!"

Then there's those who do their best to understand, bless 'em, but both (a) can't quite grasp the potential severity of the illness (which on it's own doesn't actually make me angry - what did I know about IBS before it hit me?), and much worse, (b) presume that you can make it go away very easily, you just haven't had the initiative or capability to do so as yet.

Again, they clearly think you're simply very stupid - like you aren't capable of reaching the shocking conclusion that maybe, just maybe, a visit to your doctor might be a good idea, since you're having violent diarrhoea several times a day, can't eat anything without your stomach holding an impromptu festival of noise, and spend much of your life, and certainly every single minute you spend outside your home, thinking about f*cking toilets?? No shit Sherlock!!

The ones I really love are those who are utterly convinced that their nan/mum/friend was cured of 'IBS' by something off the wall - like a wonder herbal mix or religion or flipping ancient tribal dance, and that the medical world are just denying the success of this miracle cure - "I tell you what you need to do, you need to take a tincture of rotting fermented rhubarb juice, rare white tulip pollen and juice of fossilised queen ants twice a day. You'll be cured in a week, I swear, just like my Great Auntie Betty!" They are absolutely lovely people most of the time, and doing nothing but try to help, but after you've heard about 50 of these miracle cures you get kinda tired of hearing yet another long-winded tale of their supposed success...

My reactions to all these approaches, though, continue to be polite and friendly. The way I see it every person I piss off by ripping off their head and crapping in their handbags when they dare question my illness / treatment strategy / coping techniques will go on to have a negative impression of IBS sufferers, and that in turn might make a fellow IBS'ers life more difficult in the future. Heaven forbid - like we don't have enough to deal with already, without me putting a Chinese-whispers chain of events into action whereby we end up completely villainised & disliked!! ;)

So we continue, on a determined crusade to spread the word about the joys of diarrhoea, constipation, bloating and abdominal pain, hoping against hope that one day not only will the medical profession develop a genuine wonder-drug to banish our symptoms, but that those we dare to share our problem with will have a little more sympathy and forethought when we talk about the illness, and give us the credit to believe that we have tried everything, truly, and are still in pain....

Had a good day today

2006-07-17T00:05:00.000+01:00

Nothing special, just been a pleasant day.

My grandparents (dad's parents) were coming to see the house for the first time, so I was up at 9 and was cleaning and tidying til just before they got here, around 3ish, then spent a couple of hours showing them round, having a drink, wandering around the garden with mum (proud of my recent gardening baby-steps!) and discussing the infamous bathroom move.

Gorgeous sunshine, very hot, tum behaved (tho' had a bad D night last night, til about 3am, so prob nothing left in me to cause a problem!), and took 5 Immodium to keep it that way all day - needed a break.

We have the sparky coming Thursday to do the electrics for the bathroom, so need to get to a B&Q / Homebase before that to choose the lights - so exciting!! Next hypno appt just 7 days away too, so all go.

Hope you're all well :)

Bad things always happen in threes...

2006-07-14T17:36:00.000+01:00

... and I've just realised I've had 3 this week.

I've had some bad news, potentially very bad news, about the health of two of my grandparents, and I've been joking that now I'm just waiting for the third. But, I was being a dumb blonde - I trapped a nerve in my spine Sunday morning, resulting in a very embarrassing ambulance visit and lots of scary pain.

But the far more important, serious stuff:

- My mum's mum has been ill for a long time, and we've been struggling to find out what it is. Basically she can't eat, is constantly in pain, always very bloated, upset stomach, feeling and being sick, etc - so far it has been 'diagnosed' as hiatus hernia, stomach ulcers, anorexia (?!) and various other things, but it seems doctors have been looking in the wrong direction - on Monday, when the results of a CT scan came in, we found out she has an ovarian cyst, and they are pretty sure it is ovarian cancer.

It can cause all her symptoms, and is often called the 'silent killer', because the symptoms throw doctors down the wrong trail, and all the wasted time tends to mean it is diagnosed too late to do anything. I think I saw a statistic that said only 5% of ovarian cancer is treatable, but I'll have to check that out.

She has a test to confirm it Monday 24th, same day as my next hypno appointment, and she's pretty sure she'd find out there and then, but we're not sure that'll be the case - the only foolproof way to diagnose ovarian cancer is a biopsy, which I presume would have to be sent off to a lab for confirmation, but we'll see. Mum's in pieces, of course, and nan herself is so scared - grandad is petrified of losing her. She now weighs less than 6 stones, and it's almost like she's fading away right in front of us. I cried so hard when I saw her earlier this week, and when I cuddled her it was like holding a small doll. Not fair.

- Then, just a day later, we found my dad's mum is also potentially very, very poorly. She too has been unwell for a while, suffering many mis-diagnoses, and has been on steroids for a long time to fight various things. She had another CT scan herself last week, and got the results on Tuesday - her lungs are showing as very cloudy, much cloudier than last time, which the consultant has told her "could be down to 1 of 4 things", and that it is "very serious" - made obvious too by the fact he has rushed her in for a biopsy, which was earlier today.

Nan is very stoical, spending most of her life as a tough farmers wife, but I know she's scared. I think her husband, my grandad, is the most terrified though - again of losing the woman with whom he has spent by far the majority of his life. Dad holds it all inside like I usually do, but I know he must feel terrible.

I've been so lucky getting to 23 with all 4 grandparents alive and well, I know that, truly I do, but I'm so not ready to lose any of them yet :(

Trapped nerve in my spine/neck, and another allergic reaction

2006-07-10T17:43:00.000+01:00

Another difficult few days.

My allergic reaction started again a couple of days ago - the patches on my hands and fingers are back, and my lips are stinging and swollen again. Nothing seems to help, even taking all the antihistamines. My lips are DOING MY HEAD IN!!!

And also, and probably worse, I have either a trapped nerve in my spine/neck or had a serious muscle spasm.

And of course most people would have an interesting, glamourous story of how they managed to do this ridiculous thing to themselves - but me? Yep, I did it in the most un-glamourous way possible - I woke up yesterday morning and just turned over in bed. That's it! There was this almighty "CRACK", louder than I've ever heard someone's body make before, and it was done.

At first I thought it was just twisted or something, like you often do to yourself, and that I'd sort it out just be moving it etc. Er, nope... I couldn't move my head or neck at all, and I was all twisted and stuck with my head in a very odd position. It took me ten minutes just to slowly slide my hand under my head, each milimetre it moved was like someone bashing the back of my neck/head with a metal pole. I was starting to get a bit freaked out, but now I had my hand under my head I tried to use my hand to lift it up, but I couldn't move it at all.

I knew it was time to give in - luckily I'm at home with my parents for a few days, and was able to shout my mum (Jamie was airgun shooting about 40 minutes away). Somehow she understood what I said, though my voice was somewhat muffled being as my mouth was pressed down against my quilt. To cut a long story short we tried allsorts, but nothing worked. In the end, after about half an hour, we managed to get me sat up in bed - with her supporting my back with both hands and me supporting my head with one and neck with another. I can't tell you how much it hurt, but we both knew I couldn't stay where I was. Then we did what was probably a daft thing - tried straight away to swing my legs out of bed.

I managed it, and was sat like that, and through this whole time whilst it hurt like mad, it only hurt while I moved - if I sat still for a second the pain would fade. However, I was just sat like that, taking a break, when it started hurting again, and far worse than before, even though I was still. It was like a knife in the back of my neck, no exagerration, and I was literally screaming in pain. Mum got so scared she called 999, I couldn't speak, only scream, and the paramedics arrived within 5 minutes. Jamie also started to head home.

Well, they examined this and that, looked at how I could and couldn't move, rubbed and prodded me in various places, etc, and diagnosed a trapped nerve. They wanted to take me into hospital, so of course I panicked and started knocking back the Immodium & Lomotil - but after the IBS was explained to them they proposed another idea, getting an injury specialist-type dude to come out and see me, so of course I jumped on this idea - did NOT want to go to hospital.

So this dude came, did some more detailed examinations, etc, and said it was either a trapped nerve or a severe muscle spasm, both of which can be so bad you are literally out of your mind in pain, and screaming like I had been earlier (it had got better through this time as I didn't move my head or neck a milimetre, and rubbed it the whole time). He put me on 8 Codeine, Ibuprofen AND paracetemol a day for 3 - 5 days, til the pain subsided!!

Took all at once, unfortunately on an empty stomach so nearly passed out and threw up - wolfed a bagel down which stopped that, and began to feel VERY spaced out. So.... went to bed and slept for about 4 hours!! Unfortunately couldn't sleep last night due to pain, but had a lie-in til midday.

Still hurts, and lips stinging like mad, but neck/shoulder SO much better than yesterday, so very relieved. Still can't tilt my head back or right, or turn to face my right, and it hurts if I talk more than a couple of sentences at a time.

Paramedics were classic 'Oh, you've got IBS - have you tried X, Y and Z?', but more on that tomorrow... (and they were lovely people - thankyou nice paramedics for helping me! ;) )

Incapacity Benefit update - I nearly passed out in shock!

2006-07-05T16:26:00.000+01:00

Yesterday I finally spat my dummy. I called the JobCentre Plus, after all, it's only polite to let them know, and the unlucky lady who answered my call certainly understand by the end of our conversation that I'd. Had. ENOUGH.

(Update for those who haven't read the whole story - I initially applied for Incapacity Benefit in February, downloading the form from their internet site and sending it in, which it turns out you're not supposed to do [?!], and since then it has been a comedy of errors with lost medical certificates, communication problems, policy changes, lost application forms and much much more - and a tragedy in that up until today I had not received a penny. 3 weeks ago I semi lost my temper with them and was advised I would hear in a few days - I never did, surprise surprise.)

So after letting the (admmittedly very pleasant) slightly scared-sounding lady have both barrels, and explaining in a very slow and clear manner that I had NO income since April last year and was therefore in a BIG financial mess, she decided to actually lift herself off her backside and go and do some investigation.

Well, she turned on a different computer anyway, and looked up my record. Lo and behold, they'd f*cked it up AGAIN!!! She explained that the 'Decision Makers' (yep, that's their actual job title) had turned down my application because it was a 'late claim'. I asked her what this meant, and she said that late claims are when people leave it ages to apply, but expect to be paid right to the beginning of when they were ill - i.e. leaving them to pay a substantial amount in backdated payments in one lump sum, which they evidently dislike. They normally only pass claims who want benefits backdated by 3 months or less...

Unbelievable - I had been rejected not because they considered me 'well enough' to work or anything else sensible like that, but because of the amount of money they had to pay me. And the real sweet spot in all of it was this - I wasn't a 'late claimer' - they'd been in possession of my claim since mid February, but had messed it up several times - and in the end my official 'date of application' was made April 25th, as this was the day I spoke to the first sensible person there that I'd come across and he'd put all the mistakes right. And my claim was only backdated 3 months from that date - again, the lump sum they owe me was only so big because they'd had my claim so long!!!

However, before I wind myself up and give myself a hernia, I must remember the positive side to this story... She said that my Personal Assessor had returned my case to the decision makers, asking them to reconsider, because I wans't in fact a 'late claim', but that the problems and delays had all been at their end. She said the revised decision wasn't through yet, but that she'd get someone who knew more about it to call me back the next day (today).

I've been pretty poorly again, and was up until well after 5am last night with a VERY upset tum, and I'm sure it didn't help being so stressed about these muppets, so this morning I slept in. When I finally woke at 10am I had a voicemail waiting for me, and it went something a little like this:

"Oh hello, this is **** from the JobCentrePlus in Sheffield, I'm calling about your Incapacity Benefit claim. I took your case into the Senior Decision Maker myself this morning, and they have now accepted your application - I have just processed it myself. Your claim has been backdated to the 25th January, though you are expected to 'stand' the first few days yourself, so your payment commencement date will actually be the 29th January. Unfortunately the doctors note we had for you ran out at the end of June, so we can only pay you up until this date until we receive a new doctors note from you.

So, in summary, we owe you £1,099.73. I understand from the phone call you had with my colleague yesterday that you are struggling financially, so we are making an exception and using internet banking to pay you 7 weeks money (£414) which will be in your account today. If you need anything please do give me a call back..."

Er, yes actually - I need to pinch myself!

WOW!!! It's finally over, I am finally on Incapacity Benefit, after all these months of problems, delays & highly irritating jobsworths!! The doctors note running out is a bummer, but because they'd had it so long I'd forgot what date was on it. I've been told I can get a new one from my doctor if I just speak to her on the telephone tomorrow morning, and the guy at the Job Centre said I just have to send it in, and they'll update my record and begin paying me weekly.

So, I think it's something like £54 a week, which is peanuts, but still far better than nothing. And more than that, the emotional peace that is coming from having finally jumped this hurdle feels great, and I haven't said I feel 'great' in a long time....

My tum hurts, I still have D, my period is due so I want to eat anything I come across (whether that be chocolate or cushions, waffles or washcloths...), I can't go out cause I'm in a mess, I daren't drive anywhere 'cause of my car/driving anxiety thing and I'm very heavily in debt... BUT I am at least on benefits now, which I know I truly, truly deserve (almost as much for persevering this long as for the IBS itself!), and maybe this will be the start of things swinging round for me.

Ideally I won't be on it long term, the plan is to get better and get back into part time work in the longer term, but I am very, very happy to be getting it for now.

An exhausted but elated Blondie, signing off... :)

Where I'm at...

2006-06-30T00:14:00.000+01:00

I've taken a break from being online because I've been having a mentally and emotionally dark week But I'm back, and willing to share as always - thankyou to everyone who dropped me an email to see if I was ok, I really appreciate it and will get back to each and every one of you as soon as I can - when I'm this down my concentration span is even less than usual!

So, where I'm at...

Yes, I'm depressed. How severely I have no idea, but I am laughing every now & then so can't be so bad...

Yes I'm heavily dependent on food for adjusting my emotional state: when I'm lonely I reach for stodgy comfort food, when I'm scared or excited I go for chocolate, when I'm uneasy or feeling a bit 'off' I go for Coca Cola, when I'm lazy I reach for the pizza delivery menu...

Yes I'm scared and have major trust issues - more on this in my next post. Suffice to say I have been let down several times by significant 'others' at really significant points in my life, and I guess that has had an effect. How you limit or reverse that effect I have absolutely no idea.

So, other than my IBS, I guess they are my most serious issues to tackle right now. Off to try to put this into some perspective, word it in a more interesting, insightful way and report back with my findings.

For now, best wishes to everyone and thankyou again...

I guess I'm depressed.

2006-06-25T01:09:00.000+01:00

See the link below for a full(ish) description - it exhausted me typing it out once, don't think I could do it so soon again.

http://www.helpforibs.com/messageboards/ubbthreads/showthreaded.php?Cat=&Board=livingroom&Number=270774&page=0&view=collapsed&sb=5&o=&fpart=1

Oh, and me and J have had a big bust up both today & yesterday. So scared it's another thing I'm gonna screw up and end up losing. I feel helpless and out of control - I need to get myself well as soon as possible so I'm in a place where I might acually be able to deal with or at least cope with half this shit. I don't want to tell J how bad I feel, whatever anyone says I feel so guilty - he has demons of his own to deal with at the moment, I refuse to make that even harder for him, I love him way too much to dump on him again. I think I need to figure this out myself...

I'm already on anti-depressants (for my IBS - Amitripylene), and I've already had counselling last year - where the hell do I go next?

Not meeting expectations. Again.

2006-06-24T01:55:00.000+01:00

I'm getting pretty fed up at feeling like I'm letting everyone down, all of the time, in every department.

Sometimes, and I stress only sometimes, I feel I'm pretty much the cause of all the problems and all the worry in just about every person that cares about me. Yes, many many times I have sat quietly contemplating how much better off these wonderful people would be if I could simply wipe my existence away.

No, I am not considering doing something stupid, don't misunderstand me - removing myself from these peoples lives like that would be just about the most hurtful thing I could do to them and would therefore make my impact upon their lives yet more detrimental. No, what I sit and think about is how they'd be if I'd just never been here.

I've had a life of meeting if not exceeding everyone's expectations - at home, at school, at college, at work, you name it. I aced my exams (admittedly without a great deal of committed study, but hey, whatever works), completed my pre-university study in record time, developed a portfolio of work, experience and qualifications beyond that of most people my age (at the time), and kept getting promoted and promoted at work. But that life feels like it happened someone else, I barely even remember how good it felt.

And now? I lost my job last April and haven't worked since, and couldn't even if I wanted to at the moment. I'm just about in the process of bailing from my university study once again - something I've done twice previously through work-obsession, and that I'm now 'forced' to do because of my health. Financially I'm a complete mess (yup, STILL nothing on my benefits has shown up...), and am facing some pretty tough, life-altering decisions on that front. I disappoint my boyfriend continually - we don't go anywhere or do anything, even at home I'm tired pretty much all of the time and spend hours on the toilet, or worrying about being on the toilet. And now, since our minor car accident in January, I have developed what most would probably call 'irrational driving anxiety', which seems linked to my car and my car alone, and is resulted in lots of time, effort and money being spent to try to rectify every little problem with it. And still, when I'm in it I'm a shivering, quivering, sweating mess.

In all ways, physically, mentally, emotionally & financially, I am completely unrecognisable from the me I used to be.

But whilst I have no idea how you're meant to know which 'you' is the right one, surely this new and un-improved me must be a bad one - being continually disappointed in yourself can't possibly be how things are meant to be - but where the hell do I take it to get a refund?! How do I get to exchange this inflated, faulty body and broken mind for better models??!

Oh, yeah, lets add self-pity to the ever growing list of faults...

Sorry for lack of posts this week...

2006-06-22T13:47:00.000+01:00

... no excuse other than I've had some pretty major decisions to make, been having a particularly stressful few days, and have had some problems with my home hypnotherapy sessions. In brief (if you don't want to read the forthcoming extensive post) I just haven't even wanted to talk about how I felt, never mind write about it.

So, why is it I can't relax?

Mike gave me a tape of our first session to listen to every night at home, and the first couple of times it was fantastic, while I was still feeling positive from our first session. But with all the stuff that's been happening I have been struggling with it - I simply cannot relax prior a session, which means through the session my mind is working at 100mph, and I end the session feeling way more agitated, irritated and restless than I did before. This has also meant the benefit it brought to my insomnia is also starting to fade.

I just don't have an 'off' button - every word Mike says prompts a thought in my head, which leads to another, and another, and so on, and eventually the tape's finished before I even realise it. It means I never seem to quite 'go under', and my eyes flicker open loads. I've also been having particularly scary nightmares which is not helping my sleep patterns.

Yeuch, welcome to moan-central eh?!

And on that thought, further whinges can come in the next post.

Signing off for now, a weary, mentally exhausted, downhearted Blondie...

(PS, I did however make it out to actually eat a meal last night! Took lots of Immodium, but had a great night with no anxiety, panics or extended toilet breaks, so it's not all bad at all...)

I had my first appt with Mike the hypnotherapist - and I'm feeling good...

2006-06-14T00:50:00.000+01:00

Forgive me for doing this, but below is a copy of a post I literally just made on the IBS boards - I am just SO tired I can't write another version of what I just wrote, so here it is, and I'll add a little extra at the end:

"Sorry it's taken so long, but basically I've just been asleep!! Sounds mad huh? But seriously, since I got back last night I have been SO tired - I slept when I got back, slept about 6 hours in the night (about twice my usual), I got up this morning but was back asleep downstairs in about an hour, and slept til this afternoon. Mad, but fantastic!! Anyway, so, how did the hypno go? Well, it went really well. A brief synopsis of my trip: (ooh, posh words, you can tell I finally got some sleep!)

- I had a really bad start to the day - tum was acting up completely. You don't need a description, you've all been there, but it was terrible. Cue a meds onslaught - loperamide, codeine, simethicone and extra amitripylene, which eventually did the trick.

- Unfortunately it meant I left late, which meant that despite all the possible toilet breaks along the way I forced myself not to stop, as I wanted to be on time. Journey went really well as Jamie had hired me a car for the day, which turned out to be a brand new Ford Focus diesel, which was a great drive, and I felt safe & in control (something I've not had in my car for months).

- I arrived about ten min before my appointment, so sat outside for a few minutes gathering my thoughts, then went in and used the loo right by his office, and waited.

- He asked how I'd been, etc etc, and I can't list details because it's specific for each person and I don't want to cause problems for other people, but Mike said it went well - all my non verbal responses were spot on, and that he'd tell me if it didn't.

- I came out feeling almost (to use an over-used cliche) like a new woman. I'd forgot to bring the cash with me (as I'm not working and am in debt I'm living pretty much exclusively on credit cards I rarely have any cash on me), so had to drive and use a card machine at a nearby supermarket - when I got there I actually wandered round the supermarket for 20 minutes first, without a worry in the world! And yes, I know I was ultra-dosed up, but I'll say again that that is never a guarantee that I'll be ok, and even when it stops the poop train I'm usually still in pain, gassy and bubbly. So yay!!

- I dropped the cash back off at the surgery, and drove home. I had Jamie's sat-nav with me, which appeared to get lost (and is now christened 'crap-nav' as a result), and it meant me driving randomly around Warrington centre for at least 30 minutes - yet I didn't stress, even though the delay meant there was a possibility I'd get stuck in rush hour on the motorway on the way back. In fact, I don't even remember giving my stomach a whole lot of thought. (Which is weird, as we didn't even start on the stomach yet, just my general emotional state - I guess even a small improvement feels enormous to me as I've felt so dire for so long?) Anyways, it found it's bearing eventually (actually, it didn't - I lucked out stumbling across a road sign... ), and I had a great journey home. Which was awesome - I've been driving like an old woman all year, become completely phobic about my car/driving/my driving specifically, yet I was driving home almost as if someone had rewound the clock back to when I was confident and competent. Madness!

And so, I was home! I was too tired to even talk to Jamie about it or call my mum to talk about what happened, I just needed to sleep, and boy have I done that. So there you go, that's what happened. Thankyou everyone for your support, both on here and in email - I really, truly needed it very badly yesterday, and I'm not 100% sure I would have made it up there without it.

Anyway, I'm going to try going to bed earlier tonight than I have been able to do for so long - I have the tape recording of yesterdays session, which I have to listen to each day til my next appointment, which is two weeks as yesterday. I'm hoping this is going to help with my insomnia as well as everything else! (God I'm asking a lot... )

I'm now that weird kind of tired where my brain, rather than my body, is absolutely exhausted. Hard to explain! But in summary - all good! No major celebrations or anything, it's only day 2, and we haven't even started on the old messed up tum yet, but I do have this sort of vague positive feeling, can't explain. Fingers crossed it continues in the same vein! Hmmm, sleep again now, guess it's time to go get ready for bed and stick the tape on... "

So there you go, that's how it went. Just to add a couple of things:

- The hypno itself was weird, and very hard to describe. Basically I was fully conscious, for instance moved my fingers when they went to sleep, and shuffled around to get comfy a couple of times (which he said was ok right at the beginning), but in that way that I do, I started to suspect the worst, that I wasn't actually hypnotised. Then of course the next thing I know he's counting to ten and I'm waking up! And whilst I can remember feeling fully conscious, and pondering about what he said to me, just seconds after coming to I forgot all of it! Even now I could probably remember like 2 things he said while I was 'under'. I guess it's like a waking dream, and so works in the same way - while you're in it it's ultra real and you see, feel and hear what's happening, but soon after waking it's gone, as your conscious takes back over. Very clever!!

- Do I feel different? Not exactly, but then also yes, in a small way I do - I'm not hyper or excited or feel great or anything, I just have this sort of faint aura of positivity around me, only very subtle, but it means the world to me. Why? Because it means that maybe there is a way to bring this under control, and maybe there is some light in the future, and maybe, just maybe, there's an end to this nightmare in sight.

And that's definitely a thought to take to bed with me... (After I've listened to my tape at least!)

Eve of my first IBS hypnotherapy appointment with Michael Mahoney...

2006-06-11T22:54:00.000+01:00

... and I have no idea how to write this without sounding pathetic.

OK, topline - I'm really, really, really scared.

Not about the hypnotherapy itself, I have no worries about that whatsoever (except maybe that, since things have been going wrong for so long, I won't be 'hypnotisable'), but pure, unadulterated, deep & intense fear about how my angry and volatile stomach will deal with tomorrow.

I had a HORRENDOUS attack last night - which resulted in around 6 hours spent on the toilet, gasping with pain, crying my eyes out, sweat pouring out of me, all over my body, and kept me from my bed, again, til about 4.30am. I find it hard to describe how horrible it was, and since I'm trying my best to be positive (honest) I probably shouldn't even attempt it.

And today, despite eating little and safe (Plain bagel w/ soya spread for breakfast, a soya yoghurt for lunch & baked potato w/ soya spread & soya cheese for tea), and trying really hard to stay calm and in control, my stomach is going NUTS. It's noisy, bubbly, gassy, uncomfortable and more than slightly painful. I truly believed that I 'got everything out' last night, meaning that I would eat light today, poop that out first thing tomorrow morning, and be home and dry, but no - my stomach feels like a washing machine on steroids, and I'm 99% sure that once I've finished this and retreated back to the toilet, there will either be (a) horrible poop (my favoured option) or (b) no poop, but lots of pain, wind, straining and feeling as if there is actually poop wanting to come out, just on the next push, and therefore getting stuck there all night.

So, preparation...

DIRECTIONS: check. I have them saved, will print them first thing tomorrow, but they're only a backup as I'm borrowing J's 'sat nav', which should hopefully get me there easily...

FOOD: check. I will be having just a bagel before I leave, and will be taking 'pack-up' with me, which will be 2 white breadcakes with soya spread & soya cheese, Ready Salted Walkers Lites and jelly sweets for chewing when I'm nervous. I shall buy a big bottle of water from a services along my route, but will try just to drink enough to keep me hydrated - don't want to have to keep running for a pee!

MEDS: haven't dared take my Amitripylene yet, as it's constipating and I want to get as much poo out of me as possible before I go to bed. But otherwise, as normal before an 'event' like this - an extra amitripylene tonight, 2 Immodium as soon as I wake tomorrow, followed by another 4 at spread intervals til I leave. Immodium to be with me for if I feel a twinge. Also will be armed with anti-spasmodics, codeine and simethicone (wind tablets), just in case.

TIMINGS: check, but not great - Appointment at 1, want to be there 5 min before that. It's a 2 hour drive, so leaving at 10.30, which leaves me a little time for traffic or stopping. I'll leave earlier if at all possible - though scared what I'd do if I got there too early, as I doubt the surgery will have toilets big enough for me to hide in for a long period of time! A least I'll have sat nav, so if I do just have to 'drive til I find a toilet' I can get myself back ok... Anyway, a 10.30 leave means a 7.30 get out of bed call - will prob set my alarm for 7, to try to gain an extra 30 mins for panics or problems.

Think that's it preparation-wise (for more details click on the link at the bottom of this page to a post I just made on the Eating for IBS forum).
So now for the really pathetic part - I'm terrifed. My stomach hasn't been in this much of a mess the night before something like this for ages, and I'm scared how bad it'll be tomorrow. Not only do I have giant-butterflies throwing a party in my stomach, but my legs are actually shaking, and I feel all weak from fear elsewhere. Why does this have to be so hard? Anxiety is HUGE asI simply cannot bail out of tomorrow, no matter what happens or how bad my IBS is - but what am I supposed to do different if it's bad? If I need to poop I'll have to go poop; if I'm in pain, I'll have to drive slower and concentrate, etc. Knowing that I 'just have to do it' doesn't help, in fact, I think it's hindering. This is honestly the worst I've felt about going somewhere for a long time. I think it's not helping that I'm driving, as J's at work and hence can't come - and I've had a big problem with driving anxiety since a minor accident at the beginning of this year. Maybe Mike can help with that too later...

Oh, shut up you silly girl, finish sorting your preparation for in the morning, go sit on the loo for as long as you need to, then get to bed at a mildly reasonable time!

Yeah, fat chance...

Link to post on this subject: http://www.helpforibs.com/messageboards/ubbthreads/showthreaded.php?Cat=&Board=hypnotherapy&Number=268831&page=0&view=collapsed&sb=5&o=&vc=1

Setting up an IBS support website?

2006-06-04T01:14:00.000+01:00

So, I've now had many an email from readers asking either if I already have an IBS website set up as well as my blog, or if I intend to do so. Well, the answer to both originally was no - but after throwing a few ideas around with both Jamie and a few of my 'IBS buddies', it seems like it might be a good idea!

The original idea was to set up a website to aimed solely at the loved ones of IBS sufferers - providing somewhere where they could come hang out, share stories and experience, advice and support, and also learn about IBS in a really simple way. However, a straw poll has shown that people would rather I set up a site split in half - half for sufferers, and half for their loved ones, and to be honest that is definitely a better idea.

Now I have quite a few ideas for things to include - including chat rooms offering scheduled live chats across the world about IBS and other stuff, a forum where only members can read posts (because some of us are a bit nervous our poop-related musings could be read by, for example, our partner, friends or colleagues, as well as IBS info such as symptoms, diagnosis and treatment and an area where readers can submit their own 'IBS stories', and how sharing their experience - with either other sufferers or their loved ones, has helped them. Also of course a section with links to reccommended sources of information, FAQs about IBS and a link to this blog.

So - what do you guys think? What would you like to see in a website? Because, at the end of the day, I'll be designing it for you guys, so we can continue sharing our experiences. If you have ANY ideas, however crazy or impossible, small or big, PLEASE drop me an email - I'll respond to all, and will definitely include the best / most popular ones.

Drop me an email at blondie25197-ibs@yahoo.co.uk.

Not posted for 2 days - and my God has a lot happened1 (VERY long post!)

2006-06-01T02:12:00.000+01:00

So, the last time I posted was Saturday, here's what's happened since:

Sunday - J was out shooting all day (he shoots air rifles, and came second - yay! :-) ), I just did home stuff - cooking, bit of study, cleaning, etc. I've had a couple of weird rashes on my hands over the past couple of weeks, but had no idea where they'd come from, but as Sunday went on they appeared again with a vengeance, and spread to my arms and fingers. Also my eyes got really itchy, and my lips (which are always dry) got very dry and felt a bit irritated. Still, it happens, and I figured it'd be gone by the next morning...

Monday - the plan was to go to Jamie's mums' house for lunch, as it was his sister's birthday, and all her fiances family would also be there for lunch. However, I wake up and one of my eyes is majorly swollen, the other one is quite swollen, my lips are swollen massively, beyond recognition, and are stinking like open cuts with salt in them! The rashes are now brighter on my arms, hands and fingers, and I also have rashes on my stomach and ankles. Jamie, starting to worry as the symptoms get worse through the morning, thinks I may have measles, and checks my tongue - covered in pale pink / whiteish bumps. Also I have pretty bad diarrhoea - but it's fluroescent yellow!! Without wanting to go into details, Jamie's sisters' fiance had been pre-diagnosed with a serious illness, and thinking I might have something contagious we cancelled - Jamie went to see them but stayed only briefly, thinking he may be contagious too. By the time he gets back my lips are even bigger and throbbing, and my right eyes is huge.

Both he and mum think I should go to the hospital, but my tum is still worrying me, and (stupidly) that was my biggest reason for resisting it. I also honestly thought it was still just 'one of those things', though was slightly freaked out by the thought of having measles... Jamie finally rings NHS Direct, who take all the details and advise J that we should go to the NHS walk-in centre in the centre of Nottingham. Great.

So off we trundle - I get dressed, and hide under sunglasses. I've now had 5 Immodium so tum is finally starting to calm down a bit. We get to the walk-in centre and are told there's a 2hr waiting list. However, as I am describing my symptoms to the receptionist, a nurse stood behind her starts listening and joins the conversation - she checked my airways and my temperature, and looked at my rashes (I forget to mention the lumps on my tongue and my yellow diarrhoea, but guess it wasn't important anyhow), and says I'm definitely having an allergic reaction. She advises to add the antihistamine Piriton to the Zirtek I am already taking in preparation of hayfever, and just monitor my symptoms. She says to go to the hospital if it gets worse or I start to have problems breathing, but says there's no point waiting for 2 hours to be told the same thing - particularly because of my IBS. Of course we're relieved, thank her and head out to the car.

Unfortunately, J hadn't got the code for the car park from reception, so goes back in to get it - and it was chaos! The waiting room was right by reception, and people who had been waiting for 2 hours so me walk in and seemingly get seen at the front desk immediately! Apparently there were already 5 people complaining, and J just got glared at... Ah well, we were due a tiny bit of luck.

So we now know I'm not contagious, so we head to his mums, after calling to get changed, to celebrate with everyone else. However, celebrate is not a particularly appropriate word, considering the news we'd had about the health of J's sisters' fiance. His parents were also there, and his grandad, and even though we had all been told in advance not to mention it because his grandad didn't know, his mum at one point couldn't help herself and pretty much sobbed in front of us - it was absolutely heartbreaking, and the whole thing was also visibly upsetting Jamie's mum. It was so weird - other than the bizarre atmosphere and the knowledge of what was going on it was a really good afternoon. I got to meet these extra people, and also J's sisters best friend, who was really warm and funny. We stayed for several hours, grabbed some food (I had 'real' dairy cheese and dairy spread!!), then headed home early evening.

Bizarrely, my stomach was that good we spent some time just driving round - Jamie showing me old houses he'd lived in and where he'd grown up, etc, we spent nearly an hour doing a 10 minute journey. It was fantastic, and my tum only started to give in when I had a few sips of Lucozade.

We jut chilled for the rest of the evening, and I had a pretty nice early night.

Tuesday - the major thing that happened was my call/s to the Job Centre about the ridiculous letter I received about my Incapacity Benefit application, here's a summary of how it went:

- First call, to number on letter - "no idea why this would happen. have no record of you on either of our systems, what do you want me to do?". That's pretty much the gist of a ten minute conversation - basically the woman was asking me what to do!! Eventually got referred...

- Second call, to new number - "Right, we have a record of your application, but I don't have access to any of your details for some reason. I'll give you the number for the Personal Assessor who dealth with your claim, but I can only give you her first name and the first initial of her second name." Hmmm, how bizarre! So, time to call a third number...

- Third call - "Right, no record of you on the system, so I'll have to go look through a pile on my colleagues desk...Right, found your application, and yes indeed it does have all the correct information with it as you said. It's at the top of his pile, so will be dealth with over the next couple of days." So how had I got a letter saying they didn't have my medical certificates, when they were sat with my application on some financial assessors desk?!! Deary me...

At this point I started getting calls back, the guy obviously came round to processing my application quicker than intended:

First call from them to me:
- "Hiya, this is xxxxx xxxxxxx from the Sheffield Job Centre. I am processing your application and need a few questions answered. Firstly are you a student? [I had ticked 'yes' to this question, and also provided full details on the cover letter to make it simple...].
- Have you received any financial aid towards your study? [Again, I had ticked 'yes' in the form, and had provided details of how much on the cover letter enclosed with the application...]
- Have you worked in the past 2 and a half years? [Yes, again, full employment history details were on the form...]
- Right, well I have to say you don't qualify for Incapacity Benefit as you have not paid enough National Insurance (NI) over the past 2 and a half years. [What? I have worked constantly since school, and my salary in my final year was very good for someone of my age, how can I not have paid enough?!]
- OK, if you're sure you should qualify I'll go away and check, and call you back..."

Second call back, 5 mins later -
- "Right, I've spoken to the NI contributions department, and yes, you have paid enough NI to qualify for Incapacity Benefit, and easily. [Well, I had tried to tell him!]
- But, I need you to withdraw your claim for Income Support as if you receive your Incapacity Benefit you can't claim IS too, and IB is higher, by a few pounds. [I'd never applied for IS in the first place, HE had added it to my application].
- "Also, I note the date you have stated that you would like to claim support from is the 25th of April, i.e. the day you called us, but your doctors note goes back to March this year - so you should backdate it to the date on your note. [Unbelievable! I didn't put the date on the form, HE did before he sent it to me. And as for my doctors notes - he'd only looked at one, the other one covered me right back to April LAST year, so technically I could claim right back to then, never mind bloody March! If this hadn't come up and I hadn't pointed out he'd missed it who knows how it would've impacted my claim!]
- Ah, sorry about that, I didn't see the other note. Well, you could try and claim your benefit right back to last April, but I have to say you will be unlikely to get it, as it's such a large amount. You will certainly have to take it to court. As you are in financial difficulty I advise that you date your claim back to 3 months before you called us, as you will easily be given that if you claim for IB is approved and you will get some money quicker. [Fair enough, I had only expected it to be backdated by 3 months, although I had already tried claiming for 2 weeks before the phone call they will use as the date I 'first contacted them'. Ah well, at least we're getting somewhere now...] "

Then he says - "Right Miss Walker, because of all the changes we've now had to make to your application I need to give you a new copy for you to resubmit. [I.e., because of all the mistakes HE had made it now looked a mess!] Can you come in and see me tomorrow to do it, say at 2pm? [Er, no! That's the whole reason why I'm applying for IB - I can rarely get out, and even when I can I can't stick to a particulary day or time, and if I absolutely have to I need a starvation diet for at least 3 days before! What a gimp!!] Ah right, of course, well I'll put it right in the post, you'll get it Thursday." At this point I asked if my parents could bring it back in once I'd signed it, so we didn't waste further days in the post - he agreed and told me to make sure they asked for him directly, and only put it in his hands.

GRRRRR.....!!!! So that whole disaster has added at least another week to the process!! Why are they so incompetent??

Anyway, the rest of Tuesday (if I recall right) was pretty uneventful...

Wednesday (today) - well, this one is a bit difficult to describe, so I'll keep it brief (and have intentionally kept previous, related, details anonymous). Tonight J is away in Cardiff with work, so I was sat at home minding my own business, when J calls. His mum has just called him, in tears, telling him that his sister's fiance has made the whole illness thing up - nothing is wrong, he hasn't been to the doctor or anything. We're all in shock, angry at him, sad for J's sis (who insists she is staying with him and the wedding is still on) and confused at why he did it. No more details, as it's a private matter and not my story, but we're all reeling.

What a long few days... Oh, and when I heard the news I eat half a packet of Jaffa Cakes, and now my stomach is going crazy. Joy. And it's already 2.45am, and I'm not remotely tired, but need to get some sleep as I'm going over to J's mums tomorrow lunch to let her vent at someone. I don't want to list the specifics of this whole drama, so I'm kind of underselling it - this is massive, and has broken hearts, friendships and trusts, and I fear it will continue to impact upon a lot of people, particlularly J's sister, for a long time to come....

Yuck, my head's spinning. Can only imagine what other people involved in this are going through. CAN WE ARE ANYONE WE KNOW PLEASE HAVE A LITTLE BIT OF GOOD LUCK FOR A WHILE NOW????!!!!!!!!! PLEASE?!!

UNBELIEVABLE!! Incapacity Benefit application saga continues...

2006-05-27T18:07:00.000+01:00

GRRRRRR!!!

Why did I even consider for a second that the next time I heard from the DWP Department of Work & Pensions') it would be a decision, going either way?? Like anything that simple was ever going to happen!! This is getting laughable, we've stopped even being remotely surprised any more when some new bad thing happens...

So I get a letter from them today which basically says 2 things:
1) "You have made a claim for IB but you have not satisifed the normal National Insurance (NI) contribution conditions from 18/1/06. [of course I haven't - that's the whole point, I can't work!!!] To get IB in spite of this you need to have been unable to work because of illness or disability for a continuous period of 28 weeks. [I have been], so...
2) You must have a medical certficate from your doctor for the whole 28 weeks and the time you want to claim - you have not sent us any medical certificates. We need a medical certificate from 6/7/2005 to 17/1/06."

Again, UNBELIEVABLE! I had a medical certificate inside the same bloody envelope as my application covering me from APRIL 2005 - PRESENT DAY. How can they possibly screw this up again???!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've ran out of words, I truly have. And of course Monday's a bank holiday, so I can't even call them til Tuesday. What are the chances they will find the certificates and admit they've screwed up? Pretty slim I guess.

Seriously, no wonder so many people give up - this is just so unbelievable. And the whole NI contributions thing - you have to not be able to work for 28 weeks to claim IB, so how can only the NI contributions you've made in the present year count - when you can't work??!!

Beyond belief...

Been 2 days...

2006-05-26T01:01:00.000+01:00

...since I last posted, sorry. Ever have a few days where, at the end of them, you think "damn, that went fast!"?? Well, I have days like that occasionally. The funny thing is, in my pre-IBS existence it'd take some major stuff to make me feel like that. Nowadays it took a visit from my parents/grandparents, some crazy study and a trip to Homebase. Crazy!!

"Ah, " I hear you cry, "you left the house?" Yep indeed I did - yay me! I have to quantify it a little, I know I shouldn't but I do - I'd had 2 Immodium the night before, as I knew I'd have an early morning to clean/tidy the house ready for nan coming (though I slept thru my alarm in the end), and I had a couple before she arrived. Also, Homebase is only a 10 minute drive away, it was lovely and sunny, and they had public toilets (though I didn't know that til I arrived). BUT, all those things have never guaranteed me getting out, so it's still GREAT! Plus, I was there over 90 minutes, and barely had a stomach flutter. The odd little twinge every now and then, when I realised I had a basket full of stuff and realised I therefore couldn't make it into the toilets as easily, but altogether I was fine. Will post more on my frame of mind tomorrow.

But for now.... YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY!!

I've also eaten a few naughty things that past few days - some choc, etc, and, unbelievably, a Pizza Hut takeaway tonight (sure that one will hit me hard tomorrow), and yet have still felt, roughly okay. Admittedly I haven't 'been' for a couple of days, but hey-ho, it's better than the opposite.

Let's see, what else have I done? Nothing special - lots of cleaning, bought a few bits for the house from Homebase (new cutlery tray and a cushion mainly) and some novice gardening* (*I'm pretty sure my efforts resulted in damaged, destroyed little plants, but we'll see - I think I'm too heavy handed and destructive for gardening...).

Ooh, also we now have our (ENORMOUS) bath, toilet and sink - all living in the dining room. We have also chosen and paid for our taps, shower and accessories, and chosen our cupboards. Think we've also chosen our paint, just tiles, and how we'll mix tiles and paint, to go...

Can't wait - soon we'll have a warm, cosy, upstairs, SECOND bathroom - OH MY GOD!! :-)

Bad things come in threes? Pah!

2006-05-23T00:53:00.000+01:00

We had some potentially tragic personal family news yesterday, and today Jamie's company car not only failed the MOT, but had something else wrong with it AND the speakers in it blew on his way to the MOT test centre. Oh, and the telly broke this afternoon.

Jamie also had his test results - all clear. Which is great news in that nothing's seriously wrong, and a weight off both our minds, but is also not great in that there's now nothing we can do to treat or 'fix' him. He just has to keep taking his tablets for a few weeks, then try to wean himself off them, and see the consultant again in 12 weeks.

Add to that my nan's illness, my being housebound and the Incapacity Benefit decision STILL having not arrived, I think all in all we're way past three!

(NB - in the light of our hearbreaking family news yesterday, which I won't share because it isn't my news and is very private to the people involved, all our problems seem VERY trivial, and it has made us extremely grateful...)

Didn't work - 1.45am and still up

2006-05-22T01:53:00.000+01:00

But at least I am now pooing, which is a relief since I haven't been since Friday morning, and have eaten LOTS.

Had some sad family news, which of course flipped my tum out, and now feeling the effects. Having a break on sofa as back killing from sitting on loo for hours, but it's only temporary as I'm not done.

Oh the joys of having a ridiculous stomach...

Strange experiences yesterday with sleep - new problem

2006-05-21T14:58:00.000+01:00

But a nice problem to have! - I was so tired, exhausted to the point of trembling and going cross eyed, but I just could not go to sleep for a nap no matter what I did - but, uniquely, it was because I had so much positive thought racing round my head!! Like "I can't wait to go to X with jamie" and "Ooh, I'll be able to go and do Y without stressing out about it", etc. I just could not stop it!

But, went to bed at 1.20am this morning, which whilst still too late was far better than the recent 3am, and slept throuigh til 11.30am, so I'm caught up on plenty of sleep. Fingers crossed for another good sleep tonight!

Amazing what positive thought can do huh....

Feeling better, and 1st session with Mike

2006-05-20T10:31:00.000+01:00

Hi to everyone, and big thanks to everyone who's emailed me to offer support following my last post - if I haven't replied to you yet I will do, there's just been so many and I haven't been in a particularly sociable frame of mind! But massive thankyous, your messages of support have really helped.

So, yesterday I had my first meeting with Mike Mahoney, IBS hypnotherapist extraudinaire! It went really well - he's a fantastic guy, he made me feel so relaxed and positive, and I really think he just might be the guy who can help me beat this. We talked for around an hour; he explained how he worked, I told my IBS story and where I am with it at the moment, etc. It was all really fascinating - things like he spotted I'm a really shallow breather, and apparently that explains why I get tingly fingers and toes, as poor circulation is usually down to shallow breathing! I have homework already - he's given me some tips on learning how to do deep abdominal breathing, which I've never been able to do before. Mike says it will take a while to master, but by the time I do my IBS should be gone!! :-)

I could go on and on, but the most important thing is I really believe in this, his voice is just so relaxing, and I also now believe he won't have any problems hypnotising me. I'll post some more details later, I'm just absolutely wiped out by the experience, and need to curl up for a nap!

My first 'proper' session is 12th June, 1pm. 23 days and counting, I can't wait to get started...

Feeling the cloud of depression move back over me...

2006-05-17T19:18:00.000+01:00

...and I don't know what to do.

Everyone's been so great, on the boards and at home, and with the hypno' sorted I don't understand why it's coming back. I have had a bad day - my allergies were so bad at my parents I felt like my head was going to explode, I had a bad drive back to Jamie's as it was torrential rain and my car felt wrong again and my tum has had a horrible day - I'm so scared it'll still be playing up Friday and I won't make it.

But more than any of that I saw my nan today - she's really ill, and she's wasting away. I found out today she weighs just SIX stones. She's eating 6 cornflakes with a splash of milk or water for breakfast and for tea either a couple of forkfuls of fish or spoonfuls of rice pudding. She looks like a skeleton, it broke my heart seeing her like that. I don't want to talk in detail about it, this is my blog not hers, but she's been diagnosed with a hiatus hernia, and had two endoscopies, on loads of tablets, but the doctors don't seem able to do anything about it, and I'm so scared we're losing her.

I feel just like I did a couple of months ago, like it's all just too hard. Every time I need to lean on someone they're there for a few days then it's back to normal again, and I'm made to feel selfish for needing some help. It doesn't help that J is so poorly at the moment, I want to make him better so much - but he stills get mardy with me, even when he's blatantly ignoring any advice I try and give him, so I don't know what I can do. And then when I give up trying to help him, and try to lean on him a bit, I get the cold shoulder - like I'm dismissing his problems. And I'm not!

I'm just soooooooooo tired, I ache or hurt throughout my whole body, my brain is completely fried and has been for so long. I can't sleep properly, or for very long, and I've forgot what it feels like to be normal. I'm just crying all the time, at the slightest thing, and feel like not only is everything too hard for me, but I'm making it too hard for everyone else too.

If you wipe out the indescribable pain it would cause, I can't think of anyone who wouldn't be better off if I wasn't here. And that's a horrible realisation. I feel like I'm screaming, all the time, and no-one can hear me.

And now I feel self-pitying and pathetic. Great.

Yeuch - D, D and more D...

2006-05-16T16:37:00.000+01:00

And boy do I deserve it! Had a weak day yesterday and had 2 lots of chocolate, paying for it now with trips to the toilet every 10 minutes...

Yuck.

Not much else to say today. Up here at my parents til tomorrow, as Jamie's been away with work, can't wait to see him again tomorrow. Oooh, he did have his consultant's meeting yesterday - they didn't have the results of the 'nuclear medicine' scan thing they did, but the barium meal was clear. He's been booked in for an ultrasound on Monday, the consultant still thinks it's his gallbladder. Jamie meanwhile is getting worried they're going to find nothing... :-(

Everyone cross your fingers for him

Over-complicated, ambiguous and hard to answer...

2006-05-15T17:44:00.000+01:00

This 'personal statement', containing the information I gave the guy from Jobcentre Plus on the phone 3 weeks ago, that I have to sign and send back, is absolutley ridiculous. The questions can be vague, leaving you wondering whether you've answered correctly, limited - leaving you puzzled at how you can possibly answer without lying or even double negatives, leaving you triple-checking each answer to check you understood the question right.

It took me 2 hours today to go through it, changing and adding information as appropriate, and I ended up including a letter 2 sides long to explain stuff that the questions either didn't give me the chance to explain in the form itself or where the guy had got stuff plain wrong.

I am also in the process of writing my letter of complaint about the shameful over-booking of the Didsbury Travelodge. To add insult to injury, we got a letter in the post yesterday saying our card has been charged the full £50 as we failed to turn up!! Er, hello? We were there, but YOU had run out of rooms!! No wonder their revenue's up 19% - not only can they charge customers who dont' show up and haven't cancelled, but because of this they can charge no-shows for rooms that weren't available in the first place!!!!

Absolutely disgusted. Getting all wound up again... :-(

2.40am - can't sleep, tum hurts, feel sick, headache, stress...

2006-05-14T02:43:00.000+01:00

You might be wondering what I have to be stressed about, since most peoples stress comes from their job - which I don't have right now. Well I'll tell you - it's the fact my tummy hurts every day (sometimes mildly, sometimes, like now, making me curl up in a ball moaning), I've had about 2 'normal poos' in 3 months, I have to think about every single thing I eat (when I eat it, how I eat it, what I eat it with, what I eat before it, etc), I rarely get to bed before 3am (due to pain, bowel movements or anxiety), I am always exhausted, I have zero energy, no money and study worries (2 essays due 26th/27th May, not started either). Oh, and I think I'm depressed, have rarely left the house all year and have felt ill every day for about 18 months.

Is that enough?

Also, I'm now panicking about my first meeting with Mike Mahoney, the IBS-specialising hypnotherapist. I know I'll be ok once I'm in with him, it's getting there and getting home. Just plugged what I THINK is his address in a route finder - 1hr 40min from Jamie's, no services for about the first 30 mins, or 1hr 38min from my parents (with a 35 min trip to get there), with no services for about a middle 30 mins. Decisions decisions... Also, as the appointment is 8pm what time do I leave? J wants to come, but if we go when he's done with work it'll be rush hour. So I could go on my own in the afternoon and meet him later - but what do I do? Do we get a hotel for the night after? Make's the night easier, but then have to keep tum going for another day, til we get home. Tho if we get a hotel I can drive up and check in, and wait for him there. I've found a Premier Travel Inn just 3 miles away.

God, my mind is spinning and I want to be asleep in bed!

Tum preventing me at the moment though - in too much pain to lay still, doing very noisy, smelly wind and feel sick, which feels worse when I lay down.

Grrrr....

After the storm....

2006-05-12T15:17:00.000+01:00

Well, after a SHOCKING few days, there is light at the end of the tunnel! Not only has my darling boyfriend pledged to playing a more involved part in helping me manage my IBS, he has arranged, in no more than one morning, for me to get to see Michael Mahoney, one of the world's foremost IBS hypnotherapists. And I will not only be having my initial consultation with him next Friday evening, I will start the sessions with him less than a fortnight later!!

He's spoken to him on the phone himself, and says he sounds lovely. And from what everyone on the HelpforIBS boards he really is lovely. He told Jamie this morning he accepts nothing less than an 80% reducation in symptoms, both in terms of frequency and severity.

Wow! Feeling kind of strange - obviously no longer depressed, but neither do I feel completely and utterly triumphant and hopeful. I'm stuck somewhere in the middle, though closer to euphoria than anything else. I guess after so many disappointments I'm a little cautious to fully believe in anything...

So watch this space, looks like I'll have something to report back on earlier than expected!!

Hypnotherapy disaster, and Incapacity Benefit letter finally arrives

2006-05-11T12:49:00.000+01:00

I will post further on this, as I do not have the energy to describe in detail what happened. But for now I need to keep it brief - after a series of diasters with travel and accomodation, I finally made it to to my first 'hypnotherapy appointment'. Only to be told, whilst I was an ideal candidate for it, there is a "9 month waiting list" - turns out the initial 4 month waiting list was just for this first consultation, it'll be another 9 months til my first hypnotherapy session.

Feel like the world has disappeared from under my feet.

My hope and optimism has finally dissolved.

This all happened yesterday, but only just logged on. Stayed in bed til noon, and now just curled up on sofa in my dressing gown, pyjamas and slippers; after crying myself to sleep I now feel numb, like I'm walking around in a trance. I don't have the words to describe how I feel, and I don't know if I have the strength to make it through another 9 months of this - to face yet another summer, stuck inside, housebound, watching everyone else live their lives and enjoy their lives outside.

Only good news - my Incapacity Benefit letter, which I have to sign and send back, which was promised me for 3 weeks ago, has finally arrived. Good thing seeing as it looks like I'll be claiming it for a long time now... Haven't opened it though, can't face it yet...

Had enough.

The night before the day before...

2006-05-09T00:14:00.000+01:00

So, I have my first gut-directed hypnotherapy appointment with Peter Whorwell in Cheshire Wednesday morning. It will be the longest drive I have made in many months, probably as many as 8-10 months, even though it will only take a couple of hours - so we are staying in a hotel just 3 miles away from the hospital tomorrow night. Which makes tonight my last night at home, and with internet access, before I leave.

Very scared!

Not about the actual hypnotherapy itself, but mainly the travelling, the waiting in the hospital, and how my tummy will behave in the appointment. I think this first appointment will actually be more of an intake than actualy hypno treatment - let him understand me and my IBS, etc. But what it will also do is clear up exactly what will be happeeing, with who, and when (i.e. if it is the same time every week I can plan ahead) and what he thinks.

Wish me luck!!

I shall be eating totally 'IBS safe' tomorrow and before my appointment Wednesday. I shall be taking as many Immodium as I need to eradicate my diarrhoea / make me feel comfortable that it has been stopped - at least 6 per day. I shall have a spare outfit with me in case of emergencies. I shall be prepared with the addresses of both the hotel and hospital, and routes on how to get there, just in case the satellite navigation fails. I am going to try my HARDEST tonight to get to bed earlier than the 3-4am that I have been doing. I have planned what I will be wearing and what I will take with me.

Surely there's nothing more I can do to ensure this goes as smoothly as possible...??

Who would I be without IBS? And what would I think of others who had it?

2006-05-07T16:21:00.000+01:00

A post on the Eating for IBS discussion boards got me thinking back today, as I described a couple of incidents that happened to me a few years ago. I described myself in the post as being at that time 'confident' and sometimes 'aggressive', and I was. If I was out with a group of girls it was always me the others would look to for direction or protection if anything went wrong. It was always me who'd get rid of anyone hassling any one in the group. It was always me who'd go up to a guy one of my friends liked if they didn't dare. I never felt nervous, scared, intimidated, weak, undecisive, or anything negative like that.
My natural 'state of mind' was confident, invincible, proud, happy and always enjoying life. On a less positive note, I was prone to arrogance, easily provoked to aggression (short temper, though it was quick to rise and just as quick to subside, I never held grudges), single-minded (knew what I wanted and worked towards it, sometimes at the cost of things that fell outside this tunnel vision of my route), too work-focussed (worked myself into the ground, getting to the office at 8am and sometimes not leaving til midnight, or on a few occasions 4am) and dismissive of others problems.

So who am I now?
Well, my state of mind is now usually tired, in pain, closely focussed on the workings of my stomach, completely dissatisfied with myself, lonely (even with wonderful family and the best boyfriend ever), pessimistic, nervous, scared - the list goes on. Most of the time I daren't step outside my own front door, I worry about what others think of me, it takes days for me to prepare to leave the house. I can't work, I even past the point where I miss work because I have finally accepted it just isn't possible at the moment. The things that defined me - work, confidence, friends, fun, pride, money - have been eroded over the course of my IBS, and I realised today they're gone.

So who am I? I have no idea. Would I have turned into this person if IBS hadn't struck? Probably not, but I can't be sure. What would be different now if I hadn't got IBS? Definitely working, though probably at the cost of my study, but at least I'd have money. Me and J could invest in the house easier. I wouldn't have put on all this weight (with less comfort eating and no amitripylene, and able to go to the gym). Would I actually be happier? Who knows. Allsorts of other things could have happened on that route to make me even less happier than I am now. Would I be a better person? Guess it depends how you measure 'better'.

But I tell you one thing I've learned - empathy. Going back 2 years had someone told me they'd got IBS I would have been less than sympathetic. Probably I would have been dismissive, not beliving it was a 'real' illness, that it was just a 'nervous person with a nervous stomach'. I would have expected it in certain people and never in others. Don't get me wrong - I wasn't a cruel person, and wouldn't see health as something to make light of. Only something, like IBS, that can't be measured or seen, that isn't 'tangible', that doesn't have a specific cause or cure.

So what I've learnt is this: Never, ever think bad of anyone for having a certain illness, problem or apparent personality. Don't presume you know anything about illnesses or conditions that you don't have. Have sympathy for people who are evidently struggling with something - there is probably far more to it that you can see. Always be ready to help someone.

I was as confident, outgoing, loud, proud and successful as I could've dreamed - yet still I was struck down by IBS. Illness, of any form, takes no note of someones personality, their job, their likes or preferences, their history, their family, their job, their money, their status. It comes in many forms, visible or unseen, chronic or temporary, debilitating or manageable, curable or not. I think, all in all, illness is the greatest leveller.

And to sufferers - illness can change lives, certainly for worse but maybe even for better. It can ruin and destroy, or maybe it can put you on the path you were meant to take. I'm living proof that, for all the bad things that illness can cause, it can have positive effects - such as ironing out some character flaws. IBS has also taught me to have patience with myself and others, taught me I need to make time to relax, taught me that so many things are more important than work or money. It has brought me new friends, and allowed me in turn to support others who are even less experienced at managing their IBS than I am.

And I think, if nothing else, it has taught me that many of my 'traits' were simply a result of things that had happened to me - pride as a result of my career, confidence as a result of always being lucky enough to have great friends. The 'true' me must still be here, hidden before by the personality that had developed to fit what happened to me and what I did, and hidden now by my not having the confidence to see it. Illness can take away superficialities, but it cannot touch what is deep inside, and if I can be strong enough enough to discover who that is, nothing can never take it away from me.

You can't judge a book by its cover. You can't judge a person by their illness. And you can't judge yourself by the personality you've developed in response to external factors, including illness or success - the real you is deep inside all the time. I am no 'worse' a person than I was when I had all I thought I wanted , I just respond to things differently and want different things.

Let's just hope I can figure out who that real me is, and use it to help me fight this illness that has changed my life. Use it to become the person I'm meant to be...

After a fantastic day...

2006-05-07T03:23:00.000+01:00

... came a totally rubbish night and day. Yesterday was really good, then I started to feel poorly after I (stupidly) eat a stuffed crust pizza J brought home from Asda. God I'm a dumbass! Almost immediately I started to feel terrible, all gurgly and swollen, then came the horrible pain, then D. Didn't get to bed til 3.20am, was woken up at 4am with the pain and went to toilet for half an hour before back to bed, then woken up just past 6am with so much pain I was on the toilet for 2 hours and then kipped on the sofa til just after 11. Yuck. What a long, uncomfortable, painful, horrible night.

Continued to be in pain and with a 'washing machine stomach' all day, particularly bad after tea even though it was 'safe'. Determined not to let it spoil my elation over yesterday, but do feel yucky. Currently 3.23am and I'm about to head to bed. Cross your fingers I can get more than 3 hours sleep tonight...

Beautiful Day!!

2006-05-05T17:34:00.000+01:00

Both weather-wise and tummy-wise. Weather has been gorgeous, as it was yesterday too, I've had a couple of walks around my newly tended garden (we're only just starting to do it properly), and basked in the glorious sun.

Also, left the house for the first time in 12 months without taking Immodium, and for the first time in 6 months without loads of preparation (2 days of eating less, hours on the toilet, lots of stressing and panicking) etc. I just got all determined and the sun inspired me! :-) True I only went to the shop which is a 30 second walk away, and was only out 10 minutes, but for me that's a triumph at the moment.

And I'm WELL chuffed!!

Horrible evening turned into a long night and a rubbish morning

2006-05-04T11:16:00.000+01:00

Was very poorly last night. Even after 4 Immodium and very little food I was still having D, pretty bad abdominal pain and a very gassy, gurgly tum. I wasn't able to go to bed til about 2.45, and even then I was awake for a long time in pain. I woke up several times in the night, and had to get up at about 6.30am when my boyfriend got up for work as I was still in pain very gassy, and convinced I was going to have D again (I didn't, and haven't done yet as of 11am).

Told Jamie about this blog last night - had said I would do after I had my 100th visitor, which I had yesterday. (Currently 109 - so thankyou everybody for reading!) So he should be reading this soon - hi gorgeous! Hope you approve...

So I'm up, curled up on the sofa, still got nasty tummy pain and a very noisy tummy, and even though it's fairly sunny again, I don't feel like doing anything. I'm tired and have a headache starting.

Hurrumph.

Great Day; Rubbish Evening

2006-05-03T22:54:00.000+01:00

I've felt a little bit low for the last couple of days. A combination of a few things - worrying about my nan (she's been poorly for a long time, and been even worse for the last couple of days - long story, but I definitely empathise with her bowel-related symptoms), being really nervous about getting to and sitting through my upcoming hypnotherapy appointment (7 days and counting) and feeling UTTERLY useless about my financial situation, and therefore inability to contribute to mine and my BF's lives. For someone who was on a really good wage for her age, it's a bit of a bodyshock.

Anyways, it's been a lovely, warm sunny day, which has improved my mood somewhat, but my tum has been gassy and active all day, and I didn't feel able to go for the short walk I had planned. I DID however walk around the garden a couple of times, looking at all my plants and giving them a good water, etc. But late afternoon I went to the toilet, and had one of the 'Shi*tting a Brick' poops - a whole lot of pain, but eventually it came out. Unfortunately a whole load of D came out immediately afterwards, and over the next few hours. Only just starting to feel a bit bunged up now, after 4 Immodium, but tum still pretty painful, very gassy, very active and very swollen. Feel sick too, which I hate.

Oh, and Incapacity Benefit letter didn't come AGAIN today. Shock horror. And apparently they're all on strike til Friday, so I can't even call up and yell at someone.

Deary me.

Incapacity Benefit - still no letter!

2006-05-03T10:32:00.000+01:00

Yep, that's right, the letter I was promised for last Friday still hasn't turned up (it's Wednesday today), but am I even surprised? Nope. I can't even call up, as the Job Centre staff have gone on strike for today and tomorrow. Wonder if anyone will actually notice the difference?

So the waiting continues...

New bathroom developments

2006-05-03T00:47:00.000+01:00

So, the plan to convert the office into a bathroom (to give us the much-needed 2 toilets in the house, and an upstairs bathroom instead of one downtairs through past the kitchen) has taken it's first babysteps!

1) We made our first purchase today! A real bargain to - a massive (1800 x 900) double ended bath, complete with 6 water jets and 10 air jets, for just £456 + delivery!! Really happy, another ebay find.
2) We have planned the coming Saturday in as a 'plan the new office' day - i.e. the one we need to make in what is now the spare room, to replace the existing office which will become the office. Because of fitted wardrobes, a big, low level window, the door to the airing cupboard and an awkward chimney breast it's going to be a real pig to figure out what can go where. Not looking forward to that, though I think we've decided we're ripping the wardrobes out at least.

Anyway, minor news, but babysteps towards me moving in with boyfriend Jamie properly and being able to live a relaxed, 2-toilet/upstairs bathroom life... :-D

Gut-Directed Hypnotherapy - My level of awareness?

2006-05-02T18:46:00.000+01:00

I imagine after that title you are expecting an intellectual, knowledgeable post looking at various complex issues regarding gut-directed hypnotherapy. Er, sorry...

It's just that with my first session rapidly approaching, I'm getting really, really nervous. And today, for the first time, a new thought struck me - whilst I'm hypnotised how aware am I? The reason for this is very simple - I have diarrnoea predominant IBS, and sometimes nervous butterflies or being out of sight of a toilet is enough to induce violent diarrhoea. So, I'm hoping that I'm 'under' I have no awareness of my stomach whatsoever!

I've posted a message on one of the wonderful Help for IBS discussion forums, which specialises in hypnotherapy, so hopefully I should have some answers soon...

Links between emotional state and IBS symptoms

2006-05-02T11:15:00.000+01:00

I know that IBS can be caused in the first place by many different causes, the truth being that no-one REALLY knows exactly what can and can't directly lead to IBS. I also know that many different things affect the level of IBS symptoms at any one time, but I am curious as to how much your emotional state can directly lead to an attack. Example - last night me and my boyfriend had a pretty nasty argument. About half an hour into the argument my stomach started churning, and I was having to cringe from the pain in my abdomen. At one point I had to rush to the toilet, and even when it was all done and everything was ok again the movement in my stomach was resembling a washing machine doing a bungee jump, and I wasn't able to go to bed til even later than normal as I kept having to race to the toilet.

Wonder if much research has been done in this area? Hmmm, maybe I need to do a little bit of detective work on this one...

Woken from sleep - "not an IBS symptom"

2006-05-01T00:14:00.000+01:00

Supposedly, as IBS is a bowel function disorder, we shouldn't suffer symptoms when we're asleep - as apparently when we're sleeping the bowel too is 'sleeping', i.e. entirely inactive. Both books and websites have told me that being woken from sleep by IBS symptoms is a "red flag symptom" - i.e. something that isn't IBS, and that I should tell my doctor about as it might indicate a more serious problem. However, I have had the tests that rule out more serious illnesses (colonoscopy and endoscopy), so I know I'm ok - but I am often woken up from sleep with either horrible abdominal pain or the need to race to the toilet for either diarrhoea or a gas-powered BM, followed by lots of wind.

Really puzzling me - is it due to my IBS? And what can I do about it - how do you prevent something that starts when you're asleep?!!

Answers on a postcard please people...

Sleep - better and more

2006-04-30T23:54:00.000+01:00

The body becomes less able to fight off illness and depression when we are tired - fact. Since I spend every day being utterly exhausted from lack of sleep and poor sleep, this is clearly something I need to tackle. As part of one of my new 'Life Goals' - 'Be more in control of my life', I have set myself a challenge to sort out my sleep patterns over the next 2 weeks (i.e. leading up to hypnotherapy appointment, and beyond).

My ideas so far - eat earlier in the evening, establish an evening routine (eat, take tablets, wash, get read for bed, etc, same time every day), use relaxation cd before even thinking about bed and introduce more physical exercise during the day (starting with really short walks and a couple of stretching sessions). I will start my routine Tuesday - as tomorrow is a bank holiday and we have family round, etc. I'll keep a record of my successes and failures, and post updates here - knowing people are reading provides much needed motivation!

Hypnotherapy appointments - 11 days and counting...

2006-04-30T20:55:00.000+01:00

My hypnotherapy appointments with IBS specialist Peter Whorwell start 11 days from now. As I've said before this will mean an hour long appointment every week for 12 weeks, and is a long drive to get there - much of it without any available toilets - all of which is pretty daunting for someone who's rarely left the house in months!! Yikes...

Anyhow, about to start to figure out a bit of a plan to how I'm going to approach it, between now and the first appointment - following the 'Eating for IBS' diet completely (no cheating, as it just ain't worth it), trying to get myself to go out a bit, even if it's for small walks outside, focussing on relaxation/sleep and calling the hospital to find out exactly what to expect for the first appointment, etc. Oh, and we're staying in a hotel just a few miles away from the hospital the night before the first appointment, and I plan to book for the nights before at least the 2nd and 3rd appointments too - just so I can make the stressful journey the evening before, so reducing the stress on the day - particularly as it's in the morning, and it takes hours for me to get my body ready to go out.

Fingers crossed for me everyone, hopefully the hypnotherapy will be the start of a turnaround for me! Will post more details on the therapy and on Dr Whorwell himself at some point this week.

I went out for dinner last night!!

2006-04-30T20:37:00.000+01:00

After weeks and weeks and weeks of not being able to go anywhere, of the most intense stomach pains I could ever imagine an copious amounts of diarrhoea, I actually had another mini-breakthrough - I made it out to lunch!

To cut a long story short, my parents, particularly my mum, really wanted to take me and boyfriend Jamie out to dinner, as they miss being able to go places with me/us. I was really nervous about it, and explained (several times) that whilst I would try my best, I might (a) not be able to go, or (b) spend the ENTIRE time in the toilet or (c) have to rush home part way through the evening. However, I dosed up on 6 Immodium through late afternoon, after making sure I'd 'got out' as much as I could, drank plenty of water and eat only a plain bagel for breakfast and white bread and soya spread for lunch. And I made it! It was a close call, as my tum hurt and I wasn't convinced the Immodium were working, but I got there.

Don't get me wrong, we only went to a pub restaurant 5 minutes from where I live, we went in 2 cars so I could drive (because it makes me feel more in control while on the move, and I can escape if needs be without prematurely ending everyone elses evening), I did go into the toilet twice (though that's nothing for me!) and spent around 10 minutes in there each time, I only eat bangers and mash after a white breadcake to settle my stomach and we were only out a couple of hours. But that is far better than anything I've managed in weeks and I'm so chuffed!

About to sit and plan my new daily schedule, working towards making it to the hypnotherapy appointmenst which start in Cheshire next week.

Damn, next week!! Now I'm scared...

Incapacity Benefit - shock horror!

2006-04-30T20:33:00.000+01:00

Surprise surprise, the statement I have to sign and return that I was promised would arrive Friday, didn't. Didn't arrive that is. Or Saturday. Which now means Tuesday is the earliest I can get it.

Why am I surpised? That'll be another few days they won't give me any money for...

Today, I feel pants

2006-04-27T01:08:00.000+01:00

Just had to point that out - I've had 6 Immodium all day, barely done anything as my tummy's been hurting so much and I'm soooo tired - but still hurting too much to risk going to bed. Oh, and it was pants last night too - only went to bed about 2.am, took ages to get to sleep, and woken at 6am this morning with horrible pain and desperate need to poop. Dozed on sofa for a couple of hours afterwards, but never same as a good nights sleep.

And forgot to take my damn Mebeverine before dinner. Stupid girl...

Life Decisions - my long term goals

2006-04-27T00:14:00.000+01:00

Whilst I'm well aware the process of setting goals and objectives for yourself is both corny and having the potential to set yourself for a fall, yesterday evening laid in the bath I realised my brain is just full of scattered information, hopes and fears, and that the only way I can begin to make sense of it and move on is to give it some structure.

And it is with that in mind, that I have settled upon my 3 (extremely broad) long term life goals:
1) Be Happier
2) Be Healthier
3) Be more in control of my life

Even though they are broad, they can each be broken down first into more medium-term objectives, and then into specific actions that will help move me towards my final goal. When I was working this was how I worked - my mind was organised, analytical and goal-orientated - since I lost my job and IBS hit my mind has slowly turned to mush, and this can't be helping me in any area - beating the IBS, studying effectively, thinking about my future, having successful relationships or snapping out of my depression.

I'm going to look at each long term aim in seperate posts, and hopefully it'll help me figure out just how I'm going to achieve them. And hopefully having some readers along for the ride will keep me even more motivated!!

Incapacity Application Update - Callback & Next Steps

2006-04-26T15:53:00.000+01:00

Well, after all the stress yesterday, I had the callback from someone at my local JobCentre Plus today and the process is now officially started. They just needed more details on my condition (god it's grim describing it to a complete stranger on the phone...), my bank details, any savings details, and various other bits and bobs. Because my sick note has been dated back to April 2005 they'll try and get my benefits backdated too, but the guy thinks I'll only get 3 months - which don't get me wrong is definitely better than nothing! Also gave me some advise on some other bits and bobs too, and seemed an ok guy.

Next steps - I'll receive a copy of all the details I've given on the post Friday, which I have to sign and return back to them. Then within 5 - 7 days of them receiving it a 'Decision Maker' will make the decision as to whether I'll get benefits or not. My stomach's in knots already, just thinking about how the hell I'll continue to live if I don't. Eeek...
He also said normally after about 6 - 8 weeks they ask you to go into the Job Centre to have an update meeting with him or a colleage, but he says with my symptoms (a) they'd probably be able to organise a home visit anyway, and (b) thinks my case is "strong enough" (good sign?) that they'd be happy with just a letter or phone call to check on how I'm doing.

Sounds crazy, but I'm even more exhausted than normal from the stress of the call - when I came off I was literally sweating buckets! Nice. Think a long, warm bubble bath could be in order...

And it's supposed to be ME that's Incapable...?!! Incapacity Benefit update

2006-04-25T15:16:00.000+01:00

Deary me. Sent off my application last week, and was so therefore very interesting to see two letters land on my doormat this morning from the Department of Work and pensions:

The first said - they couldn't process my application without doctors notes/medical certificates

The second said - they were returning my doctors notes/medical certificates (enclosed) as I didn't have a current claim, and that I should make a claim before sending them back

???!!!???!!!

The fact I sent my claim form and my doctors notes in the same envelope makes you wonder - how the hell did they make that cock up?!!

And it gets worse - I rang the number in the letter to ask what level of ridiculousness this was, only to be told they had no record of me or any claim, so that I'd have to ring the 'new claims contact centre'. And then the unpleasant, sarcastic woman at this second number tells me that the reason this has happened is because the only way to apply for Incapacity Benefit is by phoning her department, giving them some details, followed by someone else intheir department calling you back for more details the next day, followed by them sending you a form out with all your details on, for you to check/amend as necessary and send back with your doctors note/s - despite the fact IT SAYS ON THEIR WEBSITE YOU CAN JUST PRINT OFF AN APPLICATION FORM AND SEND IT IN, AS I DID!!! What's more unbelievable is that some of the questions on the original form were that vague I had to call a 'Incapacity Benefit helpline' for assistance in answering them - and they made no mention of the fact that the form they were helping me fill in was useless!!

Angry? Absolutely livid is closer to the mark. What an incompetent way to run our country. Grrr... So not only did I waste several hours filling in the 60 page long form downloaded from the internet, but I have lost at least 2 weeks of payments should my claim be accepted?!! Thanks for that one DWP...

And my oh my was the second woman unpleasant. Now don't get me wrong - I'm sure it's in her job description to be that way (put off potential fraudsters/invalid claims), and I know the ridiculously repetitiive questions she asked ('Do you have any children or dependents' to which I answered no, followed 20 minutes later by 'Have you given birth in the last 12 months', for example) are right there in front of her on the computer screen, but really!
She made me feel like I was an incompetent, lazy, unworthy and criminal lout who just wanted money for doing nothing and was too idle to work. I wish to take this moment to point out - I have worked since I was 16, I have continually juggled jobs with long hours and huge responsibility with college and university courses, and I am desperate, DESPERATE to get back to work. But at the moment - considering I am near enough entirely housebound, that is just impossible. I do NOT go a day without pain, and often it is so bad I am crying, shaking, sweating, fainting or scratching myself just to distract me from the pain in my stomach. I can have diarrhoea endlessly for an entire day, even when taking Immodium like candy, and I frequently have less than 10 seconds warning that my backside is about to erupt.

Now what job would those conditions make me suitable for?

The Great Bathroom Move... Part 1

2006-04-25T11:03:00.000+01:00

So, the plan is for me to move in with Jamie, but he lives in this old Victorian house which, despite the rest of the house being modernised and very nice, has a downstairs bathroom only, leading off the back of the kitchen at the back of the house. This means not only is it normally colder than the rest of the house, but it is a long, long trek away from the bedroom - which means I'm never comfortable when staying there, and my sleep is even worse than normal.

So we are going to turn the office into a bathroom, the spare bedroom into a replacement office, and the downstairs bathroom into both a downstairs WC and a much-needed utility room. We have a quote for the labour, but obviously money is in short supply at the moment with me not being able to work and not yet claiming benefit. But, on the plus side, we've picked out the toilet and sink we want, decided on the specs for the bath (big and double ended!), figured out the colours and design for the rest of the room and figured out what's going where.

Now if we could just win the lottery we'd be all sorted!!

Little celebration!

2006-04-25T11:00:00.000+01:00

Last night, for the first time in months, I managed to go to bed at the same time as my boyfriend!! Wow, can't believe how big a milestone that feels. We basically had a fantastic evening/night, topped it off by having a semi-intellectual game of Scrabble instead of staring blankly at the TV screen, so when the time came (about midnigt) I decided to risk it, and head upstairs. It took ages to get to sleep, but once I did I was gone, and unbroken sleep for me is a cherished rarity. Only got up about 10am this morning, so had about 9 hours in all - about twice what I normally manage!

What a beautiful way to start a new day...

Don't read if you're squeamish! A post about poop, part 1...

2006-04-24T12:45:00.000+01:00

Poop. Poo. Crap. Sh*t. Plop.

I guess the list of names for 'faecal matter' is pretty endless, seeing as we all seem to have such a problem discussing it... But for us people with IBS, or other stomach/bowel problems, the subject of poop becomes of major importance. Indeed, rarely a day goes by when I don't have one that I feel the need to describe to my boyfriend - telling him makes the subject feel slightly less lonely (sometimes he's receptive, sometimes he clearly doesn't want to hear...) So, after another lengthy, painful, lonely and boring visit to the toilet, I'm sat here pondering just how many different 'types' of IBS poop there are...

(Bear in mind the different variations of IBS probably produce different results [IBS-Diarrhoea, IBS-Constipation and IBS-Alternating between the two = IBS-D, IBS-C and IBS-A], and as I'm IBS-D, somtimes IBS-A)

The Complete Evacuation
Yuck. This is where you feel your stomach 'flip', you all know what I mean, and you race to the toilet. For me this type of poop starts with lots of gas and painful trapped wind, then I do one big fart, one small, very hard poop and then suddenly all hell breaks loose - the D (diarrhoea) flood commences!! You just sit there, going and going and going, not daring to stand up for ages, and even when you do dare you don't stray far from the bathroom just in case. It feels like wind and muscle contractions just keep forcing more and more out, until you are completely empty, exhausted and shaking. The 'Complete Evacuation' for me is usually followed by days of an unsettled stomach, where I have to take more Immodium than usual to keep it calm, and be really careful what I eat.

The sudden, violent D storm
Again, yuck. This is where diarrhoea suddenly strikes out of nowhere, usually (and predictably) when you're out somewhere and unable to get to a toilet quickly. You all know that feeling of sudden, complete and utter panic! Your stomach flips, you feel the poop drop into position, and the terror starts - your hands sweat, your heart's racing, your mind's a blur and you become snappy and loud (you no longer care if anyone can hear you) as you try and let the person you're with know that you have to get to a toilet, like, yesterday. My boyfriend has learned to recognise these signs and understands he has to get me to a toilet asap or just shut and let me sort it out! God I love him :-) :-) !! So you make it to a toilet and then, usually heralded by a loud fart, the D storm commences... You end up stuck in the toilet for ages, often with a friend or partner waiting outside, taking Instant Immodium like sweeties, and praying for it to hurry up and finish, and, no matter how many tablets you take, you don't feel quite safe for the rest of the day...

The Brick Sh*t
Ouch. This is where you feel like you're passing a brick, maybe even a breeze block, sideways. I normally get this if I've had a few days where I've had to take more Immodium than usual to keep my stomach from revolting every ten minutes, on the first day I start to take less (i.e. this morning...). I've had merry a discussion with fellow IBS sufferers about this kind of plop, as (a) it's such a relief when it happens, as even though it's painful for an IBS-D sufferer you're just so happy it's not D and (b) it can be really amusing how, because of how painfully large and hard it is, you feel like you daren't quite push it out - you keep trying but it doesn't pop out instantly you squeeze it back in again as it's hurting so much! This comedy jack-in-a-box charade can continue indefinitely til you're finally brave enough to grit your teeth, groan loudly and just PUSH...!!

The Hallelujah
I had my first 'Hallelujah poop' about 3 weeks ago - when I had my first 'poo of normal consistency' (ponc) for about 9 months. Admittedly, it involved a long and relatively painful toilet visit, but I was happy enough I didn't care. I am told the second Hallelujah poop comes when you have another ''ponc", this time without any pain or stress. Watch this space...

Well, I think that's enough grim detail for one post! Stay tuned for part 2... ;-)

Incapacity Benefit - sent off application

2006-04-24T12:27:00.000+01:00

So, the application (long winded, complicated, full of questions that make you think "Now does that mean (a), or (b), or neither?!") has been sent - went last Thursday by recorded delivery, just to make sure. So fingers crossed we'll hear something soon - though I know the first thing I hear will be a rejection letter! :-(

Fingers crossed everyone...

Latop commits suicide...

2006-04-21T17:27:00.000+01:00

Just a quick post to say my laptop, with theatrical timing, died yesterday - right at the perfect time to throw my new blog out the window... But - I've got temporary use of my boyfriend's desktop machine, and a funky new laptop arriving next Wednesday, so watch this space!

Beginning the mountain climb that is 'Applying for Incapacity Benefit'

2006-04-19T15:00:00.000+01:00

Grrr...

Have been researching people's experiences here in the UK claiming, or trying to claim, Incapacity Benefit because their IBS symptoms are so severe they cannot work. Mixed reports, some good some bad, but what comes out A LOT is that those in charge of making the decision as to whether you are 'worthy' of any help do not believe IBS is "...serious enough..." to merit time off work. Whilst not wishing IBS symptoms on my worst enemy, I'd like to see them cope with it for a few weeks!! What I have also read, time and time again, is that I.B is never granted upon application - you always, always have to appeal before they'll even consider you. What kind of system is that??

I have read reports from hearings where those not granted support take the issue to court, and have to stand up in court and argue that they have 'frequent' incontinance (more than 3 times a week) rather than 'occasional' (less than 3 times a week). What a way to embarrass people and make them feel worse!! I've read two reports of these hearings, one was granted support, one was turned down again - seemingly identical cases. There are also a couple of experiences listed on the IBS Tales website, hosted by IBS Network member and very funny lady Sophie Lee, both by those who have been refused and those who have got I.B.

Anyway, I'm about to complete my form to apply, having got doctors notes from my GP explaining that I am unable to work at the moment due to the severity of my symptoms. I haven't been able to for a year now, but for a while I didn't know IB existed, then I told myself I'd get better and not need it - now I realise I both need and deserve it.

It's so ironic - I spend most of my time trying to convince myself I CAN get better, that it's really 'not so bad', and now I have to write with the specific intention of proving just how poorly I am...

So, er, what is IBS?

2006-04-19T13:56:00.000+01:00

Hmmmm... How many times have I heard this question? If you read my first proper post you'll know I kept my symptoms secret for a long time, completely embarrassed at the thought of sharing what was happening to me with family or friends. It took a particularly mortifying experience with my new boyfriend (the lovely Jamie, who turned out to be my soulmate - yay!) to force it out of me, and only then in stilted, awkward sentences, interspersed with sobs! (Note - I will recount this embarrassing moment in time, and others, but give me chance to get used to sharing my deep & meaningfuls with the world...) Had I known what was wrong with me I think that maybe I would've found it easier to tell someone. As it was I felt my symptoms were vague, unrelated and probably 'all in my head', and how do you go about explaining that to anybody?

Anyway, after this horribly embarrassing situation I was sat with Jamie in the restaurant of the gym that I was, at that time, a member of. I had been really late, and for a few fleeting seconds I considered telling yet another 'white lie' to explain my tardiness (I considered them 'white lies', as I was only telling them to save mine, and others embarrassment), but then I realised I'd had enough. I obviously had a problem, and needed to tell someone - why should I spend all this extra time and effort fabricated make-believe excuses for something that, I hoped, wasn't my fault? So, what did I do? I did what anyone at their wits end would do - I burst into tears. Sobbing, embarrassed both about what I was saying and where I was saying it, I explained that since my bouts of severe gastroenteritis I had been having 'tummy problems'. What a great explanation huh?! I said I had been going to the toilet way more than normal, had problems holding it when I couldn't get into the toilet, particularly travelling to and from work and sitting through meetings, and spent a lot of time worrying about where the nearest toilet was. I was having noisy, gurgling and offensively smelly wind, my stomach never felt calm, and nearly every time I went to the toilet it was diarrhoea.

But, oh my god, what was this man going to say? I had only known him a few months, and he had met me at what I have since considered the 'peak' of my life - I was a confident, slim, outgoing 22 year old woman, working for a large global company in Marketing, studying to complete my degree at the same time, with a whirlwind social life. In fact, the first time I met him was through a work presentation - he worked (and still does) for my then employers biggest customer, and myself and the sales manager were presenting to him, all the other key account managers and several directors from his business. It was a high-pressure situation, and I am proud to say I gave a great presentation! I thoroughly enjoyed speaking to this room of about 40 people, speaking passionately about my products and employer. I was sassy, slick in my expensive skirt-suit and loving life. I then met him again exactly a week later at one his company's tradeshows, where we were exhibiting. I was Channel Manager for the wholesale channel (he works for the biggest tool wholesaler in the UK) and Product Manager for a variety of product groups, and he needed my help. I managed to solve a supply problem for him, which I was able to do because of the great relationships I had built with people in both my company and his. We often fondly look back on that moment, as it really was pretty much 'love at first sight' - we can both remember each detail of our first two meetings. But, Jamie was great - understanding and supportive, and helped me pluck up the courage to see my doctor and go through all the diagnostic tests.

(If I sound like I'm waffling in self-congratulatory drivel, that's because I am. And why? Because since that moment, bar my relationship with Jamie, my life has gone downhill. I look back on the person I was that day with much sadness, as I can no longer recognise them as being 'me'. I was made redundant 3 days after that second meeting, which was a massive body blow, as I had worked there for 5 years in various roles - the company and the job were a huge part of my life. I got another job very quickly, with more responsibility and much higher wages, but after my first day at this job I was hospitalised with my first gastroenteritis bout, and again a few months later. I am convinced to this day the amount of time I had to take off work for what turned out to be IBS symptoms had a massive influence on the decision to make me redundant 6 months after I joined the company. Because I was so intent on hiding my problems I didn't confide in either my manager, team or human resources, so could never fully explain my absences or lack of punctuality in the morning. Little did they know I would be sat on the toilet for hours before I left for work in the morning, and have to stop several times on my way to work!)

Anyway, I am losing my point... I wanted to tell this story to demonstrate the importance of finding out what is wrong with you - had I understood what was happening to me I would have been able to tell Jamie much earlier, share my problems with my family and friends, and also explain to my employer what was causing my attendance and punctuality problems. This would have made the early days of dealing with my illness far easier. I had trawled the internet to attempt to find out what was wrong with me, but if you don't have a name for the illness, where do you start? Even when I had narrowed it down to IBS, there was much conflicting information out there. So I would now like to look at what, exactly, IBS is...

IBS is:

A VERY common problem - it is estimated to affect one third of the UK population, without about 1 in10 people in the UK suffering symptoms severe enough to prompt them to visit the doctor
A combination of symptoms that is highly personal to each sufferer - recognised symptoms of IBS include diarrhoea, constipation, an alternating combination of the two, abdominla pain ranging from slight to severe, a noisy, rumbling stomach, abdominal bloating/distension, a perceived urgent need to empty the bowels, often resulting in a reduction of pain, feelings that you have not completed your bowel movement - i.e. an incomplete emptying of your bowels, incontinence if you cannot get to a toilet in time, a sharp rectal pain and, sometimes, nausea, retching or vomiting. IBS can be one or more of the above symptoms, in any combination.
Believed to be caused by a variety of things - including infection such as gastroenteritis or food poisoning (which can upset the bactera balance in the stomach), food intolerances, intensely stressful periods, eating disorders and diet. No-one really knows, as it varies so much by person.
A REAL illness - it is not "all in your head" or simply "caused by stress", as is commonly believed by the uneducated. Part of the stigma attached to IBS is that there is no single diagnostic test which can isolate IBS - it must be diagnosed by a combination of diagnostic procedures all showing negative results for other illnesses with the same symptoms. I will look at this area in more detail in later posts.
Often associated with anxiety and depression - because the symptoms of IBS can severely limit your activities, sufferers often report anxiety, depression and in some cases are almost entirely housebound (such as myself at the moment)
An illness than can affect ANYONE - I was confident, outgoing, loud, rarely ill and always positive prior to developing IBS, I was NOT a quiet, nervous, timid, sickly person - IBS can hit any person at any time for any reason.
For a full overview of symptoms and diagnosis please see the article on IBS at NHS Direct. (Which, by the way, is not 100% perfect, and nor does it really get across the potential seriousness of the condition and how it can affet sufferers).

(Please note - I do not claim to have the knowledge of a medical practioner, and am just attempting to list some features about what IBS is and isn't. Please talk to your GP if you feel like you may have IBS, as you will need to go through some crucial tests to ensure you are not suffering from something else)

IBS is NOT:

A pre-curser to more serious illnesses such as bowel cancer - IBS does not lead to other illnesses, and no correlation has been shown between people with IBS and more serious bowel or stomach illnesses.
"All in your head" - there is a link between stress, anxiety and IBS, but you are NOT imagining or creating your own symptoms. The link is complicated, and only now is it being studied properly. Again, I will post in more detail on this at a later point, using up-to-date research findings.
Unmanageable - there are many many strategies for coping with IBS and it's symptoms, including medications, diet, stress management, alternative therapies and exercise. Many thousands of people have found the correct strategy to manage their symptoms, and consider themselves 'stable', and are able to lead a normal life.
Something to be embarrassed about - as covered above it is a real illness, can affect anyone and can have severe symptoms. Whilst it can be hard not to be embarrassed about your symptoms, and you might suffer embarrassing accidents in severe cases, look at it like this - would you be embarrassed by a heart condition leading to a heart attack, or a blood pressure problem leading to a faint? No, well then...
Something you need to cope with on your own - I learned msyelf dealing with the illness becomes far easier when you share it with those close to you. Your real friends and those that love you will be supportive and understanding - if they are neither they do not deserve your time or attention. There are also fabulous discussion boards, support groups and telephone support lines that I will list in a late rpost.

So, hopefully this has been some help! Whether you are newly diagnosed with IBS, or know someone with the illness, understanding what it is and is not can help you plan how you can best deal with it, both on a daily basis and when it strikes out of the blue. This is not a medical definition, and does not provide at this point coverage of what actually happens inside the body in an attack, but just hopes to cover the key points that might be useful to readers.

If you have any questions please do email me, or leave a comment on one of my posts - I will get back to you, and help you if I an.

Diet and IBS 1 - What I'm doing now

2006-04-19T12:20:00.000+01:00

Diet and IBS has a complicated, significant relationship. Unsurprisingly, all the advice out there concentrates in some way on limiting the things that you eat, to varying extents. The most sensible diet advice I have read so far is by Heather Van Vorous, in her books Eating for IBS and The First Year: IBS. The reasons I have found this to be the best so far are:

It is written by someone who has suffered from IBS her entire life
It is written sensibly - it does not tell you to exist on a cabbage diet, for example
It is accessible and helpful - Heather's books explain what IBS is, details her own experiences as well of those of others, it is written in plain English and is written with such sensitivity it is a joy to read. Heather also examines other treatment methods, looking at medications, alternative treatments, exercise, etc
It is comprehensive - the books provide many, many recipe ideas, guidelines for making your own dishes and also features the invaluable support resource of the accompanying website, www.helpforibs.com, which boasts additional information, updates/corrections to recipes in the books and the wonderful, supportive discussion boards mentioned earlier.

So, what actually IS the Eating for IBS Diet?

A set of dietary guidelines, which help you to eliminate IBS trigger-foods, concentrate your diet around IBS 'safe' foods, and eat those which can be dangerous sensibly.
A new, more positive way of thinking - Heather is living testimony that you CAN learn to control your IBS
A more holistic approach to tackling your illness - including advise on medications, alternative therapies, excercise and supplements.

The key things that I take from the Eating for IBS Diet are:

Make soluble fibre (not insoluble fibre) the backbone of your diet - eat nothing else on an empty stomach, and revert to purely soluble fibre foods (such as white bread and potatoes) when your symptoms are at their worst.
Eliminating trigger foods - red meat, fatty products, dairy, caffeine, etc
Try to get rid of unneccesary stress (maybe I'm no so great at this one...)

For full details: Eating for IBS Website, including Dietary Guidelines and other advise

Why an IBS Blog? Why now?

2006-04-19T11:45:00.000+01:00

Let me get some thrings straight right away; I am NOT stable, I do NOT have all the answers, and I can NOT give you one perfect strategy that will address and eradicate all your symptoms, turning your life around in the process. I do NOT profess to be an expert, or even a patient-expert, on all things IBS related. Whilst I have been dealing with IBS symptoms for a fair time now, I have NOT yet found the perfect strategy to address and stabilise my own IBS.

What I DO have is:

1) A new-found sense of purpose to attack my IBS symptoms on all fronts,

2) A willingness to share my journey with anyone out there, combined with a desire to help particularly those of you newly diagnosed, maybe stumbling around in the dark looking for some answers and empathy, and

3) An enthusiasm to spread the word about what IBS is & how serious it can be, and to address the commonly held misconceptions about the illness.

If you have read my introductory post, you will already know I am struggling to deal with this illness, and my life has been severely curtailed by its symptoms and associated feelings. However, I am NOT willing to stay this way forever - I simply cannot allow my life to continue the same way indefinitely. After one of my frequent crying episodes yesterday I decided that I can't be the only one out there feeling like this, and that by publically sharing what I am going through and the different treatment methods I am utilising I might be able to help those other people currently struggling.

So... My forthcoming posts are going to look at:

Medications: Again, I am not an expert but will share my experiences and opinions on those I have tried
Diet: The strategies I am using to tackle my symptoms, and those which others have found useful
Alternative Therapies: I will be starting a 3 month course of gut-directed hypnotherapy sessions next month, and will keep you updated every step of the way
Emotions and feelings: I will share my emotions throughout every blog posting, but will also write a couple focussing specifically on this subject, and what I am doing to try and improve how I am feeling
Support: There are wonderful support networks out there for those of us suffering with IBS, (such as discussion boards, support groups, helplines, etc) some I'm familiar with some I'm not, but I will attempt to find all of them, and point my readers in the right direction
Experiences with those in the medical profession - doctors and specialists: It is often said that the level of understanding in the medical profession of our illness and related symptoms is not what it should be. I will share all my experiences, both positive and negative, and try to establish a set of guidelines to use when dealing with doctors, to get the most out of the consultations.
Me!: Yes, I also (of course) have selfish reasons for writing this blog. My key goals are tri-fold - to tackle my IBS symptoms& IBS-caused anxiety issues about leaving the house, to lose some weight/improve my fitness, as I have put on more than a stone in the time I have had this illness, and to improve my study methods and self-discipline. By sharing my experiences I am hoping for some additional motivation - if you are all checking up on me I have extra reason to make sure I do everything I say I will!! As my energy levels are so low I have been struggling to do anything particularly proactive to address my 3 goals above, but, as the saying goes, "If you do as you've always done, you'll be how you've always been" - I used to be a confident, energetic, enthusiastic fighter, so surely I can be that again...

A typical day

2006-04-19T11:23:00.000+01:00

Hopefully just a quick post, thought it might be interesting to read what a normal day entails for me. It varies very little, as at the moment I'm rarely leaving the house. Rock 'n' Roll!

8.30am - 9.30am: Get out of bed. Yes, sounds like I get luxurious lie-ins, but consider the fact that 99% of the time I am unable, through pain or hyperactive bowels, to go to bed before 2am. I usually start the day by stumbling downstairs, my first toilet trip (usually only a short one, as my IBS is worst later in the day), flicking the telly on and toasting a bagel for breakfast.

9ish - 1.30: Study, study, study! Would appear I get loads done even in the first part of the day, but combine the factors that I am NOT a 'morning-person' in any way, I am exhausted right from getting out of bed and I am continually dashing off to use the toilet and that my concentration is, basically, pants - hmm, not getting all that much done then...

1.30: Make myself a dairy-free cheese or turkey sandwich, and enjoy in front of Neighbours. The only true positive I've taken out of not being able to work!

2.15 - 6ish: Study again! Like the first session, it isn't a solid period of study, but I do tend to wake up as the day goes on, so produce better work in the afternoon.

6pm ish: Stop studying. If it's a normal study day I stop completely, if an essay's due I stop for a couple of hours and study again through the evening/night. Watch Home & Away and Hollyoaks with a glass of Lemon Barley and a couple of biscuits. Not as good as Neighbours but a nice brainless break from study!

7pm ish: Jamie gets home, and either one of us makes tea, or he has a bath and we catch up on eachother's day and then we make tea.

8pm onwards: Telly. We really need to start doing more, as we just crash in front of the tv, unless he has work to do or I have study to do. He also plays with his guns (air rifles, not proper guns - he goes shooting at the weekend. Metal targets, by the way, not animals!)

10pm: The alarm goes off on my mobile to tell me it's time to take my Amitriptylene and b/c pill...

11pm - Midnight: Jamie goes to bed. He gets up about 7am ish, but I stay up until I'm so exhausted I can barely hold my head up, and generally go up sometime after 2am.

Throughout the day I can have anywhere between 20 and 100 toilet visits, of varying lengths, and varying levels of frustration...

So, a day in the life of Blondie! I'm sure you're on the edge of your seat... ;-)

Ok, a proper 'first post'

2006-04-19T00:17:00.000+01:00

Right, now I've figured out what I'm doing here's a first post worthy of the name...

My name is Caroline, known on IBS discussion boards as 'Blondie13', because Blondie has always been one of my nicknames and 13 is my lucky number. I'm 23 years old, a typical Leo, 5' 8" and used to work in Marketing before severe IBS struck. I'm currently in the process of relocating from my hometown of Sheffield to my new home with Jamie, my boyfriend, in Nottingham/Derby (half way between the two to be precise...). Prior to IBS my main interests were shopping, shopping, shopping, socialising, watching Ice Hockey, travel, going to the cinema and various other odds and ends.

I'm presuming if you've got this far you have some kind of interest in IBS, whether you have it, know someone with it or are just looking to find out more about it. Well, here's out it happened and what it is for me:

November 24 2004: taken to hospital with what turned out to be severe gastroenteritis. In hospital for the night, put on morphine and given an anti-sickness drug and sent home.

November 24 onwards: develop minor IBS symptoms - frequent diarrhoea, feelings of panic and urgency about bowel movements, have trouble digesting a lot of food.

April 2005: taken to hospital with severe gastroenteritis a second time. This time I am sedated with morphine, given anti-sickness drugs and put on 2 courses of very strong anti-biotics.

April 2005 onwards: Made redundant (all the time off sick probably didn't help), and decided to not look for work for a while, til I 'got myself better'. Unfortunately I just got worse, and still concentrated on hiding it from everyone.

June 2005: finally break my silence, and tell my boyfriend I have a serious problem. He persuades me to go see the doctor. He tells me to use Immodium, and see how I go (great!)

August 2005: go back to see doctor, my life is starting to become ruled by my symptoms, I start going out less and getting way less self-confident. Put on the anti-depressant Amitriptylene (not for it's A-D properties, but because it slows your digestion down - should help my diarrhoea). I go back the next day, still unhappy at my complete lack of diagnosis, and demand to be referred to a specialist, via the private health insurance I am lucky enough to have.

Late August 2005: see the specialist. He gives me an endoscopy and a colonoscopy at the same time. These show 'relatively normal' results, but the my intestines show I am "...either an immediate relative of someone with coeliac disease, or I have a predisposition to it and will develop it in the future". He's still not totally happy, and puts me through the 'swallow a camera in a pill' thing, which is very clever, this shows I have "...abnormally slow upper digestion, and abnormally rapid lower digestion".

I am diagnosed with "Post-Infection Disorder", which is basically IBS brought about by either my original bouts of gastroenteritis, or a combination of that and the anti-biotics I was put on the second time.

September 2005: I am advised to stay on the Amitripylene, use Immodium whenever I need it (contrary to popular belief it can be used as a preventative, and you can use far more in one day than it says on the box) and 'eat more fibre'.

September 2005 onwards: my IBS symptoms get evermore severe, and my life is now limited to such an extent I rarely leave the house. (I can't even go grocery shopping anymore, I have only left the house 4 times in 3 months, and that is made up of doctors visits, family visits and one shopping trip, all traumatic experiences) My diarrhoea is even worse, I would have it every day without Immodium, which I now get 60 a month on prescription; I now have severe abdominal pain nearly every day, which often hurts so much I am in tears and feel sick; I have had several embarrassing 'accidents' and 'near misses', which together with my housebound status has reduced my confidence and self-esteem to zero; my sleep has been affected to such an extent I stay up til about 2am most nights, til I am so exhausted it is likely I will fall asleep quickly once in bed, and therefore won't need to keep getting up through pain or bowel movements; because of the severity of my symptoms, my lack of sleep and my situation as a whole I am constantly utterly exhausted, even small tasks can seem huge; my diet is severely limited, which I will cover in more detail later; I am still unable to work, and am about to commence the soul-destroying process of applying for Incapacity Benefit.

Today (19 April 2006): Well, where then do I stand today?

I take Immodium every day to control my bowel movements
I take Mebeverine before each meal, which is an anti-spasmodic for the pain, but it is as yet to make a difference
Amiptrylene dosage has been increased - which does help my digestion somewhat, but as it is an A-Depressant ALL my emotions are subdued, which means I feel like I live in a fog all the time, like I'm walking in deep mud. Yuck...
I have Codeine on prescription for when the pain is at it's most severe, but I think it makes me feel sick so it's not perfect.
I am trying to follow Heather Van Vorous's brilliant "Eating for IBS Diet", which I will post on seperately.
I recently did a food intolerance test, which shows I am highly intolerant of cows milk and all related produts, and a variety of other foods to a lesser degree, which I will detail in a seperate post.
Unable to work, and therefore meet my financial commmitments, I have been signed off by my doctor for at least the next 3 months, and need to apply for Incapacity Benefit. This is a major trauma, as they don't believe IBS is a 'serious illness'. More on that later...
I rarely leave the house, even a trip to the small supermarket a few hundred yards away is an impossibility at the moment. My boyfriend's best friend just had a newborn, and I haven't even yet been able to see it.
I am attempting to complete my BA Business Studies degree via the Open University, but it is hard work at the moment, as my concentration and energy levels are at an all time low.

So that's me, and where I am now! Hope you're not too exhausted reading that...

My first post

2006-04-18T23:50:00.000+01:00

But nothing to say, so watch this space!